October

No longer an avid blogger, I feel rather guilty for documenting so little of this pregnancy. Today marks 30 weeks (quite a milestone, in pregnancy-terms), and I have so little to show for it. Ari has a booklong collection of entries, all dedicated to her life & and to my thoughts regarding her arrival. This baby has so little, in comparison.

The intention is there, really. I wanted to be every bit as observant this time around: commenting on all the changes, recording the little details. But then the weeks started to become blurs....monotonous days spent primarily on my firstborn, and on reorganization. Both are crucial "tasks," yes, but I wish I would have been a little more enthusiastic and diligent in preparing for the "baby sister´s" impending debut.

So, instead of writing long posts of pregnancy-observations, I have been busying myself with laundry-loads, dishes, and closet-organization. This was much overdue, I´ll admit, but I am glad to have reinstated some order in that department. Part of the nesting-instinct, perhaps?

You see, several weeks ago, I suddenly felt the urge to start washing all of the baby-clothes and linens. We have moved around (in the house), changing rooms, and I was a little too active...... there were side-stings and hard bellies. So my mind wandered and settled on an overwhelming fear of going into labor far FAR too early. This troubled me for all the logical reasons, but also convinced me that it was time to "prepare the nest", to gather and clean all the necessary clothes and blankets and sheets for baby-love. I feared having to give instructions during labor; "Daniel, find the smallest onesies, with the ribbons on the side....size 56....and the smallest socks, and this shirt and those pants! Wash them with that detergent, at those degrees, and be sure to iron everything.." Stress.
Thus, I did all the gathering and cleaning myself. I proceeded to iron and fold it all, and putting it into bags... first selecting the outfits for days 1&2, labelling those bags "hospital" accordingly. Keeping everything sterile & pristine. It made everything better, and the belly-aches have stopped.

The girl is still extremely active; from time to time, my belly shakes to her rhythm. Arianna, though surely unaware of the mammoth-changes that are ahead, has started to pay close attention to "baby zus", kissing Mama´s belly with such tenderness.... "Baby zus" is going to change all of our worlds, and I am so curious.
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The summer-months were relatively uneventful, with the exception of our succesful camping trip to Cantabria, and a family-visit to the Netherlands.

Ari is a camping-trooper: she could not have made things easier for us. We were there to visit my parents, and we all delighted to see Arianna adjust to primitive tent-living and ocean-admiring. She seems as fond of the sea as we are; she didn´t mind the cold. She took all of her naps without complaint and went to sleep on schedule in the evenings, despite the noise of the Spanish children who played outside our tent until midnight.
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Enough about the children. They so consume my days and my thoughtlife that it is hard to think of anything else to write. But there are other things....

For one, I am starting to think of next spring. We are planning a move back to the North, back to the Netherlands. It is exciting and a little terrifying, simultaneously. As much as I look forward to being closer to my family again, I so fear having to start from scratch. It is an adventure, yes, and that has its thrills; but the thought of having to be friendless for a while, and having to search for a job and a house and a network....well, it intimidates me. Thankfully, Daniel and I did live there for a year when we first got married, so I won´t have to be too concerned about the impact and/or the culture-shock... Daniel did not have any trouble with the language, or with the customs. With the food, perhaps... just a little. We eat a lot of bread, we, the Dutch. And a lot of potatoes.
Anyhow....these are changes.

I have set aside my dreams of returning to graduate school....for now. Now is not the time. Hopefully, there will be another chance to study, eventually. First, I will need to adjust to life as a mother of 2! TWO! aaaaaah. And to life back in the homeland, with its bikerides and sandwiches.. And work... the biggest adjustment, I think. The thought of applying for a job really intimidates me. I became a mother just weeks after I finished my graduate studies: I have never worked in my "field". And I fear that my options are few. Who is going to want to hire someone without any relevant work-experience?? Someone who has spent the last 2 years of her life changing diapers and sitting around. I have a degree, yes, but will it serve me?? It´s not going to get me too far, I fear, though I remember the inspiring "career-lists for English majors" posted all over the department-walls. So misleading. I would love to be a journalist, an editor, or publisher, a teacher of literature, a critic...... I was serious about my degree-decisions. But what is the weight of those degrees? I fear I will need to add some more initials, some more titles. Eventually, perhaps I´ll find an open door to something interesting. To a career that I will actually enjoy, to something that fits. In the meantime, I reckon I will have to take whatever job I can get.

Fall´s arrival has lifted spirits. I was done with the summer long before it was done with us. It just lingered...... hot days kept us inside our house, lethargic and grumpy. But the rain came.
October is the prettiest month, even here, where the landscape doesn´t change quite enough.
"Ganas de Otoño". Absolutely; they got it right. Ganas to dress warmly, to wear layers, to open windows to crisp morning-breezes, to eat stews, to drink hot teas and coffees and wassails whilst staring at grey autumn-skies. And to consider listening to Christmas-music, even if it is still a bit too early according to the rest of the world. To smile secretly, to say "ha!!", while everyone else mourns the loss of bright summer. Someone had to prefer the cold, the clouds, the rain, the dark underdog-season!