My favorite TV programs are those in which a camera-crew follows expats around in their new habitats: usually countries far away from their motherland. I say "programs," because there are many, in Spain & Holland & elsewhere, and they all have the same effect: they inspire me to be more adventurous, to dream of starting afresh. As I watch, I become both hopeful and utterly depressed.... at once. I envy those Madrileños as they give the camera-crew a tour around Edinburgh, or Stockholm, or Auckland, or Seattle; all the places I have considered potential homes for me, Daniel, & the girls. I fuss, "Darn! why are they there & why are we still here, walking down the same old streets??"
Nothing is wrong with Madrid. On the contrary, it is a beautiful city, full of life. We have been happy here for many years and we will never quite lose our attachment to this city and this country. But there is the itch. The itch that I mention in almost every other post. Sometimes I fear that life will be incomplete if we settle. If we stay put. The dread, the fear of losing the chances of trying life out in another context. Having children (2 children!ah!) complicates it all, but I never really put that dream aside. Every few days, the subject comes up in our conversations, and Daniel (more pragmatic by the day) usually puts an end to it. Not now. Let´s just stick with the plan; Holland is next. And I was happy with that plan. It seems thrilling, even. But it is familiar. It is not as adventurous as venturing into a new continent. And I seem to think that nothing so "normal" is really good enough.
The topic of emigration comes up whenever Daniel & I visit my family. The discussion takes on different forms depending on the family we´re with:
*My parents understand the feeling... they´ve been in that place. In fact, they were VERY close to actually moving to New Zealand as newlyweds, only to let the "family-factor" change their minds. and, let´s be honest, 30 years ago, such a move would have been much more permanent. Anyhow, as much as they can sympathize with us, they are always a lot more excited about the idea of our return to Holland (for all the obvious reasons).
*My sister & bro-in-law are quite settled. They have done their share of traveling, as well, but they live without all that restlessness that comes with thinking that the grass is greener on the other side....and, sometimes I really wish I felt the same. To be content with the here and the now. To be practical.
*My brother & sis-in-law sometimes dream of moving, too. Hence, we always ask them whether they´ve made up their minds, whether they feel more at ease with the settled life.. and I think they struggle with the same uncertainty.
So, it turns out that this is not such a strange phenomenon. Apparently many 20-and-30-something-year-olds struggle with this dilemma. Wanting something more, something different, out of life, and not knowing exactly what or where that might be. This is probably the very feeling that those TV-programs are designed to tap into.
It is very much a problem of options. A problem, right. Our generation has a luxury-problem: too many options are available to us, making the decision-process all the more tedious. Of course, this problem is magnified for multiculturalists, TCKs, or whatever you want to call those of us who have grown up between cultures.
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There you have it: the familiar rant. Just letting you know that this issue is still very much on my mind. My heart is heavy with the burden of it, of not knowing what I want.. Of knowing that I want adventure, but not knowing what shape that adventure should take.
Clearly, I have yet to learn the art of concise writing. Maybe I should focus my energies on perfecting this art, or on developing some particular skill. Part of my problem is that I am frustrated by aimlessness, and by not knowing whether there is any specific potential that I need to explore in order to reach that wonderful state called fulfillment.
And, finally, I am curious........do any of you know what will get you there?? Or are you already content with what you´ve achieved & where you´ve planted yourselves??
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