Four years later...

I just found these old posts and realized I'm four years older, out of my twenties, and not much wiser. Disturbing to find myself at thirty and feeling more 'lost' than ever before.  Back in the baby-phase now with a 5 month old (a boy this time, which has been different), but also working as a High School teacher, back in my native country and dealing with all the issues inherent to motherhood, cross-cultural marriage, multicultural life, etc.

I mostly feel tired. And I'm starting to wonder whether I'll ever find peace of mind in any of these areas: spiritual, career, family...  "the center will not hold"-- it's a line that keeps coming back to me (Yeats).  In fact, that's what my thinking amounts to these days. Disjointed thoughts and random chunks of wisdom (or not) from random people / places.  It's a sad thing: to think in quotations of other people, and not to have much of an idea of how to make sense of things on my own.  I realize that I am a volatile and shallow person.. Trying to find bits of truth out there, identifying with bits and pieces everywhere, admiring beauty in the works and lives of others, but not sure how to construct my own truth/meaning.  Blah. It's bleak.