10 paragraphs later...well, I deleted it. Typical. I am a mess.
Today I have a different topic. I would tell you all about the haircuts I stupidly decided to give the kids yesterday.... how it made me feel like a dumb mother, again. But I´ve gotten over that. And what´s still on my mind, what´s becoming more and more urgent to me, is to find a way to live more deliberately. Several friends have expressed similar wishes.
Daniel and I have been chewing it over for months now. We are not content with life right now. We´re not rich, but that has very little to do with it. We have everything we need to make it through life. But we´re starting to feel so frustrated with society, with the rat-race of life in the Western world. As parents, we´ve had to face the financial pressures, the stress of providing. It has been a good lesson, in many ways. We´re learning so much about ourselves; we are confronted with our lack of organization on a daily basis. We just kind of live from one moment to the next....but are not carefree. We wish. We´ve seen the importance of time-management, yet we can´t seem to get caught up.
Anyhow, we´ve become obsessed with the idea of simplification. I reread Thoreau´s "Walden" the other day and thought, "he had it right. Thoreau knew what he was talking about."
The trouble is that life is all about finding balance, and we are terribly unbalanced. Nothing is in the right place, and we are frustrated. Shouldn´t it be possible to live according to our ideals, our values (to follow our dreams?). A lot of people are trying to convince us that it is not practical...impossible, even. But they´re wrong. I know that they are wrong, because I read about dozens of people who have figured it out. People who run their house just the way they want, others who live in a community of artists somewhere Down Under, mothers who sew their kids´clothes, grow their own carrots, and still find time to dedicate to their own ambitions and development. People find ways to live according to their values....and we want to get to that place.
Daniel is learning the hard way. Years after completing his college degree, he finally realizes that he wants to dedicate his time to music....that he is not content to keep music on the side, as a hobby. Actually, he has discovered that his artistic expression is vital to his well-being. I, too, have found out what I am aiming for, career-wise... but it took several years.
I´ll skip the rant about living in a greener, more environment-friendly, outside-lifestyle, type place. That has been said. Instead, I´ll tell you a bit about my ambitions.
After a very helpful talk with my mother (I did most of the talking, she acted as "life coach," and allowed me to figure out what my goals are by asking the right questions), I have decided that I will, after a lot of hesitation, aim to pursue a PhD-degree in English literature.
I gave up on the idea a good while ago, mainly because I felt incompetent. But I´ve discovered that it´s the only logical road for me. I´ve been trying to find teaching-jobs at international schools for over a year now. Application after application, all turned down. I have no teaching-experience, no qualification. And, more importantly, I don´t really want to teach High School English at all. It would be a nice alternative, something relevant to my goal, but it won´t really direct my steps. I could spend a couple of years teaching English as a second language, or getting a teacher-certification, but that is not what I am aiming for (which is to teach college-level literature and/or do research). I´m not interested in detours....I don´t think they´re necessary.
In other words, I am planning to apply to a PhD-program in the very near future. My mother helped me figure out small, practical steps to prepare for this (so that it´s not so overwhelming). I have resumed my studies of literature, this time at home. It´s ironic, really, that I finally have the inspiration and motivation, but am no longer officially a student!The main task ahead of me is challenging & intimidating: I have to come up with a topic-proposal. It needs to be both relevant to current trends in literary criticism and revolutionary. Wow! Nevertheless, I have a couple of ideas. It´s a matter of reading, studying, re-familiarizing myself with literary criticism, etc. My main interests are Renaissance and Victorian literature. I would like to research the importance of psychology and/or physiognomy in British literature throughout the eras. I have some ideas that might work, but will need to do a lot of research before I can even consider applying to a program and finding a supervisor.
Anyway. It´s nice to finally know for sure what my passion is. To have found a focus. It was much needed.
The children are amazing, by the way. Anika is light, that word came to mind as I was chopping off her precious wild locks. She is nothing but smiles, character, and joy. She is much chubbier than Ari ever was, but looks very much like her. Ari has come very close to killing her, but Anika just smiles and laughs. She is enchanted by her older sister.... Ari is a little elf. She has advanced in her use of Spanish, and we are so impressed by how well she functions in all of her languages. The darling starts school in September: she is over the moon. But I fear it will be a difficult adjustment for all of us. Ari loves dresses, Nemo, and being outside. She is a little bit crazy (like her mother) & keeps us on our toes. She loves to read by herself, enjoys our daily "lees-uurtje" (reading-hour), and is already (not too much to our liking) obsessed with all things pink and princessy. Anika is enjoying solid food, noise, and is slower to sit up and crawl than her sister, though she rolls around and is extremely active. She is the friendliest little gnome you´ll ever meet.
We are overwhelmed with love for our kids, but parenthood has its challenges. Many of them. Most of the time, we fall short. It is on our minds throughout the days, as we struggle to keep up with domestic life. We hope to be well-rounded people for them. Stable. That is our goal, and we have a long way to go. Thankfully, they are resilient. We would like to find a way to give them a childhood full of outdoor experiences, adventure, with an eye and appreciation for the old and little things in life. We want to pursue the simple things, which are the most beautiful.
