Motherhood, Love, and Autumn

Two years into this motherhood-thing, I have discovered that it is very much like courtship. The process of getting to know that person, of falling in love: well, motherhood follows the same pattern. I suppose I speak for myself, but I think most people might experience it in much the same way.
When I was pregnant with Ari, I started to dream of her, of what it would be like to have her in my life. It resembles the first cycle of courtship, then. Curiosity and idealism toward that new special person, who is still mysterious and unknown.
Then, at birth (or the beginning of the actual courtship, to further my illustration), that person is there, in the middle of your world. It's love and thrill and adventure: discovery and enlightenment, and feeling completely enthralled by the closeness with that other being, and...mostly...complete. That is what it felt like to meet my Ari. It felt so similar to starting my relationship with Daniel. It becomes enough....for a while, anyhow.

You see, then the months and the years go by, and the sparkle and newness of having that bond with another person becomes a little bit less magical. It doesn't go away completely: it's not falling out of love, but the bubble bursts a little bit. Not because you lose your capacity to love with such enthusiasm, but rather because you start to realize that there is more to being "complete". More than finding oneself in another person.

This is all so melodramatic, again... It is such an easy mood for me to fall into.
This isn't a sad declaration of disillusionment at all. I am still so glad to be a mother, so fond of my babies, and still so content with my marriage-relationship. But there is the need to find contentment within my own self, too. See, I love so easily. I get inspired and become so intensely alive at times. Other people (my children, my husband, my family & friends) have that effect on me. But the feeling wears off. And then you wonder if there is anything else in the world at all to be so content with.

All this drama to say that it has been an interesting wake-up call. One that I didn't really expect. Two years after becoming a full-time mother, I feel the curiosity to know what else is out there. At the same time, I expect I will go through the same infatuation-phase with my new baby: I'll be so consumed by that post-partum buzz.... (that's right, I never suffered from the common baby-blues.... on the contrary) It might last for a year or so. And then I'll be back where I am today. And I'll be forced to find something else to pour myself into. Work, I guess. Or some creative outlet.
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We're in the middle of October and the weather is just not cooperating. It's freezing and snowing in the North of Europe, as it should, as fits the season. The skies of Spain just can't seem to make up their mind. I've started to put on Christmas-music, much to Daniel's annoyance and disapproval, but it hasn't been very effective. I'm eager to pull out a scarf, to turn the lights on in the early afternoon.. Instead, I still have to lower the blinds to block out the sun. Sick and wrong!
This is what GRAND AUTUMN is supposed to look like:

This, too:

Sometimes I wish I could change the soundtrack of my own mind. Play a new tune. Something a little jazzier.