The sting of parenting...

(or is this just another empty-glass version of it?)

Lately, I´ve been thinking of parenthood; beauties and difficulties, the whole lovely mess of it. (clearly, I´ve hardly done anything else since Ari´s birth....considering the issue permeates this blog)

Well, I´ve noticed a trend, and I think it all comes down to this:
the sting of parenting, for me, is the continual shifting from hopefulness to disillusionment. Wow, that sounds negative. Let me explain:

1)Hopefulness: just that. Hopes for a bright future, blah bluh blah. It must, inherently, be a hope for universal betterment, or something. Our children are the future. It´s a cliché for a reason: this has been the idea throughout the centuries, hasn´t it?
Thus, our children come into the world, and we place a huge burden (unwittingly & subconsciously, perhaps, at first) on them. They seem perfect, and we convince ourselves that it is up to us to make them the best of their kind. Of our kind. To instill in them all the values that we strive to cultivate in ourselves, or to teach them what we hoped to learn for ourselves...

Then, as the months go by, and the children become just a little less perfect, we all take a tumble. We all fall from Grace- just a little. And then, suddenly, we´re here:
2) Disillusionment: they weren´t supposed to turn out like this. We were going to be better examples, we were going to make this world a better place. indirectly. through those little ones.

Maybe I´m a little insane. Everyone knows, going into it, that it´s going to be virtually impossible to really raise perfect social beings. Right? I knew it, but I expected more from myself. I expected to be a better model to my daughters. Slow to anger, paying attention to the important things, etc.. And then, when I see my failures through my daughter´s (mis-)behavior, I cringe a bit.

I wonder how other generations went about it. We (this generation of parents) seem to take it so seriously. We´ve become so introspective, and we (over-) analyze everything, including our parenting. Narcissism, I guess. We give ourselves all the credit for the good and the bad. Probably a flawed perspective. Again. Agh. I want to live by the Proverbs. Really. I´ve found so much practical knowledge in the Proverbs, and in what the Dutch refer to as "tegeltjeswijsheid" (try pronouncing that! HA! That´s not even close to the longest Dutch word) basically, "tile-wisdom". The quotations you find on printed tiles.... My dad uses them in conversation all the time, and it´s so helpful. Basic little rules of "sensible living". In the tradition of "Early to bed, early to rise...." It´s silly of me, but I always find that just reciting these (common sense) sayings helps return me to the real world, and to the task at hand. Which is, of course, just doing the best I can, and helping my kids learn the basic principles of responsible living & altruism, etc.

An ode to Imperfection....

or something like that.

Last weekend, we moved back to the old neighborhood (to the most recent old neighborhood, if you follow...). Getting ready for this particular move has been close to unbearable, despite our eagerness to leave the pueblo & to recover a home of our own.
Both of us have had our share of long- and short-distance moving, but this one was more stressful than all the previous moves combined. Really.

This time around, we were responsible for almost everything. It was up to us (well, ME, especially) to find the house (making lists, establishing the criteria, visiting the potential homes), pack & unpack everything we´ve accumulated throughout the last 4 years... all the while, of course, keeping the children fed and entertained, the bills paid (through a job that my husband has come to loathe), finding an additional source of income (for me, this time), and registering our children at the daycare/pre-school. We have come this close to losing it.
Not to say that we haven´t had any help. Friends & family have been gracious to us, as usual, but it has been a tough winter-spring. We tried to keep things in perspective, we tried to make long-term plans, as a distraction-method (plans of settling elsewhere, into a more laid-back lifestyle; the dream we recycle year after year).. nonetheless, there has been a lot of tension.
The guilt of how our children must be experiencing these changes and tensions plagues me to no end... but then I remember that we (humans, that is) are resilient. (and young humans, especially).

I´ve gotten into the ugly habit of yelling. I never thought I was a yeller. It turns out that I, too, can be one of those moms....the kind of mother at whom more patient mothers roll their eyes. It´s not an easy thing to discover. Such a contrast with my earlier, more cheerful, mothering.
So, I sat there amid the boxes and the chaos, after many stressful days, "comiéndome el coco," and wishing I could just stay calm in front of the kids. Many evenings, I crashed on the couch and watched hours-worth of a funny TV-show....regardless of the sleep-deprivation. I laughed at the awkwardness of their fictional lives, at their ridiculous behavior, and at the horrid monotony of their world. A waste of time, perhaps, but it serves to remind me that, even in the stressful moments, it´s alright just to laugh at life and at our imperfections.

So I waver between wanting to be perfect in front of my children and accepting that I am a "normal" mother, like all the rest. Almost daily, I read through a bunch of parenting-blogs, in search of commonality, I suppose. Sometimes, at the end of an article, I close my computer with a new resolution, equipped with a new & improved mothering-method of some sort. The kids wake up from their naps, I greet them with confidence..... and then life happens. Multi-tasking is no piece of cake; not even for mothers. Adieu resolutions, adieu intent.

Inspiration for laid-back parents:
www.sweet-juniper.com
http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/

A familiar rant.....

Packing to move into yet another house.... It´s overwhelming- all the stuff that we´ve accumulated. Every now and then, in a burst of energy & motivation, I pack several boxes, efficiently and quickly. Then, for several hours (or days) in a row, I do nothing. I just sit and look at all the junk, not knowing what to do with it, and I wonder how much we will have collected twenty years from now. I am hoping we´ll eventually learn the art of living more simply. Clutter = chaos.

When will I learn to focus my energies on one thing??? And to go for that; to pour my whole heart and soul into the chasing of my dreams.... of one dream. If I am to believe my type-profile (the Myers-Briggs); I could accomplish great things if I could just learn to narrow down my interests. Daniel thinks that I treat the personality-tests as a sort of horoscope. I know what he means. But I´ve learned a lot about myself: the type has put a name on things that I have always known about myself, but never really understood or appreciated. It has helped me accept certain aspects of my personality. It´s alright not to be as organized as "Js". It´s okay to think out loud. All these tendencies can be approached from several angles: I could be ashamed of being fickle... or I could embrace the fact that I see a world of possibilities. It´s all about learning to turn "weaknesses" into strengths. What have you learned about yourselves? Some of you like these tests as much as I do, I know.

I guess I am just hoping that I´ll figure it out one day: that I´ll find something specific to focus on and aim for. Something great.

These days have been so strange for Daniel and me. We just can´t figure it out. Life. We can´t decide what it is that we´re hoping for. What to invest in. Obviously, we have the kids. Their well-being comes first. Those two little people are the most beautiful dream. But we´re trying to remember our older pursuits : we need to find something that we can work towards together. Knowing that the place where we settle will shape the way we raise our children... it´s overwhelming. There are so many vague ideas: we need to find out what exactly it is that we can invest in together. I envy the people whose dreams are more defined. The people who have a clear goal and take the steps necessary to get there.
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blegh. More of the same. My mind is a bit tired. Can you tell?

We are.....

.....how we cook????

In light of the recent discussion on personality-tests, I propose the following:
our cooking-styles reflect our personality quite accurately.

(no, I haven´t lost my mind. and, yes, Daniel, I know that you will probably think this is rubbish).

Leth was discussing the Myers-Briggs test, and I happen to be headed to a M-B seminar this morning: a friend of mine (member of my mothering-group) is a licensed consultant of the test, and she will explain how our "type" affects our mothering, particularly.

Anyhow, I am taking the test AGAIN (for the sixth time in 5 years, I think) right now, and I couldn´t help but think of my cooking-style, while answering the questions.

Consider all the questions that regard adherence to "the accepted way" of doing things. As much as I care about "normalcy," I generally prefer to invent new ways of doing things. But it´s not so straightforward. Thus, I never quite know which option to choose, and wish the test allowed for side-notes and explanations.

My cooking-habits came to mind. Yesterday, I decided to make sesame/honey- roasted pork. I´ve been trying to introduce some new meals into our diet, because we´re all getting a little tired of "pasta with white sauce and zucchini", or "chicken/pineapple-curry". I found a bag of sesame-seeds in my kitchen and took some pork out of the freezer. Here comes the part that relates to the personality-question:
-First, I looked up recipes that called for a combination of pork and sesame.
-Then, I used every ingredient on the list.
-Finally, I added some other ingredients (asparagus....strange, huh?), and mixed it all together without much attention to the instructions.

I cooked the sesame-pork as I cook everything else: inspired by someone else´s recipe, with a twist. Mostly, in a very messy way. Messy, as in unpredictable, not untidily.
My cooking-style is creative and impulsive. This results in some meal-surprises, some good, and others bad.

Consider Daniel´s style, then. One of the reasons I prefer to do the cooking myself is this:
Daniel thinks for a long while about every last grain of salt that he is planning to put into the pan. Then, he thinks even longer about how each ingredient should be cut, washed, and placed into the pan. And that´s just how he decides on a meal. He then proceeds in very much the same manner: putting a lot of care into every last detail of the meal. Cutting the veggies just so, stirring every so many minutes, and adding just enough of the perfect and pre-elected spices. It takes an eternity. Of course, the end result is usually fabulous. (and, it´s safe to say that Daniel is every bit as creative as I am, if not more, but he is more of a craftsman...)

My meals are prepared very differently. In general, I cook three times faster than Daniel. But I have a lot more accidents in the kitchen, and my meals are not always edible, especially when I´ve been a tad too impulsive.

See my point?

* Of course, Daniel would never agree that his kitchen-habits have anything to do with his personality. In fact, he would never agree that he has a "type" at all. :-)

If I were you........

Advice is a tricky thing. I´ve been asking for a lot of advice lately (due to the fact that our life has been a bit chaotic lately), and others have asked me for advice more frequently than usual, and I am not sure where I stand on this issue.

(on the issue of advice, that is).

I´ve relied on advice very much. In fact, sometimes I seem incapable of making a decision without having previously asked for advice from family members or friends. Or without, at least, having heard the opinion of someone else. But how much is it really worth?

The reason I question the value of advice is, simply, because people so often end up doing what they were pre-programmed to do, anyway. We hear what we want to hear, don´t we? And once we´ve heard something, we have our own thoughts to reckon with.

That´s a bit simplistic, I guess, and I know that advice serves a purpose. But, how can anyone say, "If I were you, I´d...."? The more I hear or say it, the more ridiculous it seems.
I can say a few things about marriage, having been married for about 4 years. I can say a couple of things about motherhood, too, because I have 2 kids. But I can only say things that apply to my situation. As soon as these issues concern another person (i.e. someone unmarried, someone who has just become a parent), my advice is as irrelevant as the advice of a non-parent, or a single person.

What works for me might not work for someone else. And vice versa. Still, I am so quick to give my opinion. So eager to say, "why don´t you try to do this?, or "you should just do that". I´m so interested in other people´s lives & opinions, that I forget (just for a moment, anyway) that I will eventually base my decisions on my particular personality, impulses, situation, and predisposition, and NOT on what others have done, or "would" do.

Of course, advice doesn´t have to be so specific. To me, advice just ends up adding issues to my lists of "pros and cons". I look at advice differently now. Every now and then, people say something that is actually helpful and practical (usually the people who know me best & have more of a right to say,"if I were you"), but in the end we do things our own way, whether we intend to, or not.

All I am saying is that I´m going to try not to give advice so quickly. We can swap ideas with other people, but it´s mainly just a matter of listening to others, and saying, "that´s interesting....... have you considered this, or that?" and little more.

Notes on a Rainy Afternoon

Don´t cross mothers. Or fathers, I guess. It´s a secret rule in the universal parenting-club.
Why? Well, having children makes one slightly more vicious. It´s the protective instinct, I suppose. In general, I´m not super assertive. But motherhood has changed that: when it comes to arranging things for my kids, I want to be the first one in the line.

Take this, for example:
This morning, I left the kids with Daniel while I got on yet another early bus in order to finalize the registration-process. After three useless trips to the prospective pre-school, I was going to be the first one in line again, but this time, I had every last copy, every silly section of the form filled in/out. I travel long distances, I walk through the rain, I make my way from one town to the next, I rush and stress in order to make arrangements for my kids. There is little, if any, reward for such effort in this country.

NOTHING, and I am not exaggerating, NOTHING is straightforward in this country. The system is flawed and inefficient. If anything happens to fall into place at first attempt it is by some odd miracle...and probably only ever through goodwill, or "enchufe". Most of you know it well. Years of paperwork should have taught me that, but I keep trying to be a step ahead of the system. Strangely, I keep convincing myself that I can beat the system by hurrying, by bringing along that extra copy of that extra document. Just in case. But it´s useless.

Well, last week, I headed to the school one week too early, both kids in tow. I rushed and ran, only to be told that I had been misinformed. I was not a happy camper.

This week, I made a second trip (again, getting up before 6:00), decided to try the friendly approach. I talked to the secretaries, showed my documents, and heard that, "so sorry", but the form that they had handed me 5 minutes before absolutely needed to be signed by both of the parents. In a window of 40 minutes. Everything else checked out, but the trip was a complete waste of time yet again because they had not bothered to tell me this in advance (or to give me the forms beforehand so that I could get it all in order).

I would no longer be the first to apply for a place & the suspense was enough to drive me insane. It was this school that I had selected.
So, another day, another manic trip to the school offices, and I knew this was going to be the rewarding one. I knew it, until the secretaries decided they no longer remembered a particular question they had answered the day before. Moreover, they decided I needed a copy of the document that had been deemed unnecessary the day before. I was this close to losing my temper. "No me lo puedo creer!" (I can´t believe it), I said. They must have taken pity on me, because FOR ONCE they decided to help me out a little. Or maybe they were just terrified when they saw my frown and heard my "tssssss". They agreed to copy the document in their office, allowing me to keep my place in the line. Ari figured 7th on the sign-up list of her grade, and hopefully, it will guarantee her place in the school.

The thing is: as I stood there in the rain this morning, I saw all those mothers standing there with their forms in "kung fu grip"... and I thought, "I have joined the fiercest of gangs".* Even the most phlegmatic of people will become intimidatingly assertive and competitive when they start parenthood. In a way, it´s a good development. This is not a country for the reserved. Everything takes years, there is never easy access to information... It comes down to survival of the fittest, the meanest, and the loudest, more frequently than not.

*But then again, maybe I´m just unusually difficult.
(unfortunately, it´s futile to try to change the system. I always try to fight it: I confront the clerks all the time. I get mad. But they make it difficult on purpose. I am convinced. )

On a completely different note:

Do you know those moments that give you a glimpse of your past life? No, not literally a past "life," but an earlier phase of life that has almost passed into oblivion. Every now and then, something reminds me of earlier, more simple, times. Strangely, this usually involves public transportation. I guess it used to be a huge part of my life: getting on and off the bus, to and from school. I would catch the bus early in the mornings, my headphones on, my backpack in the chair beside me, or on my lap. It was a walkman first, and I would push the rewind button...to repeat a part of a song that got drowned out by the noise of some loud passenger. Later, I had a more modern discman, and a couple of cds in my bag. I am convinced that trains and busses (buses? weird word) stimulate brain-activity. Or maybe it is just the scenery.
I am always exceptionally pensive when I am on the train or bus. (at least, when my children are not with me!)

Anyhow: today, as I sat in my preferred seat on the bus (not accompanied by the children, for once), I noticed a group of High Schoolers. I got my iPod ready, put in the earphones, and thought, "how things have changed!". It has become such a luxury: to sit in silence, or to listen to music while looking out the bus-window, or to read a book. (digression: Sartre´s "What is Literature" is not ideal reading material for bus-trips. It´s hard enough to get through a paragraph at home. So far, it has taken me about 2 hours to read 22 pages. Shameful!!). But, the funny thing is, I looked exactly the way I did ten years ago. I must be at least 8 years older than those kids, yet I could easily have joined them on their way to school. I doubt they would ever suspect that I am a mother & housewife. I felt old and young at once.
The passing of time. Odd.

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Rain, too, makes one especially pensive.

Solutions for Y-ners

As a follow-up on my various posts regarding quarter-life crisis issues, here I pose a solution; something that seems to be helping me.

Mine was a classic case of the Y-generation-incited indecisiveness: I just didn´t know what I wanted, what would be best... mainly, I didn´t know where was best. It was all very messy in my mind, which made every other aspect of my life all the messier, and I got rather tired of it. So, on a random day (after my trip to Holland), Daniel and I said, "ENOUGH of this! We are staying where we are, and we´ll make things work here." Why? We were sick & tired of pros and cons, and of irrelevant pros and cons (ya sabes, the kind that you come up with just to promote the place you are more inclined to go for).... of basing decisions on whims, and then changing those decisions, and on thinking out loud without conviction.

No, I will not say that Spain won. In the end, it became less about a competition between countries, and more about simplification. Our life has been stressful enough, lately. NOT bad, no, but stressful. So, we´ve gotten rid of the proverbial clutter. And, isn´t it always so refreshing to get rid of the clutter?? Not an easy thing to do, because we Y-ners are hoarders, hoarders of ideals & options..... but so like a fresh breeze. A spring-cleaning, literally & figuratively.

We chose the easier way: the option with fewest adjustments. We´ll stay where we are, sort of (only moving to another town..). Fewer changes. Good for now. This is not to say that we are settling. Goodness, no. I have come to hate the word. But it is so calming to just "conformarse", to come to terms with a decision, and to store some of the other ideas for later.

Things started to fall into place very quickly once the decision was made. We have found a new home, in our old neighborhood. We´ve found a little pre-school for Ari.... early, huh? So odd. I have a job- interview lined up. But, more importantly, we´re not so overwhelmed. A bit, yes, because it is still going to be a year of huge adjustments. But most of the uncertainty has been eliminated.

Now to my crying children.... they´re tired of their naps.