Let me know if this has ever happened to you:
One week ago, on Tuesday night, I had a 39 degree C fever and could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, but my mind was racing and I could not sleep, despite the fact that I had not slept more than an hour or two in the days before. I wanted to close my eyes and rest, but instead I came up with a master-plan for my life. I had the most peculiar sense of inspiration and productivity.
Everything became perfectly clear in my mind: I thought of all the details that would need to fall into place for my plan to work... I wrote pages and pages (still, in my head), my sentences were concise & clever. It all made sense, and for the first time in ages I felt like I had a goal to work toward. I even "wrote" a letter to one of my old university professors to ask for advice regarding my plan. I made a list of "To-Do´s" and "To Discuss". It gave me such a rush; to be so goal-oriented, for once in my life. To feel so gloriously inspired. It seemed like I finally had found the purpose I had been looking for: and (more importantly) the confidence to pursue it.
At one point, I considered going downstairs to get started. To write it all out in detail: to take advantage of that rare moment of inspiration. But Daniel would have gotten on my case. In fact, he was telling me to just go to sleep all along. And I should have. But hours passed, and I was still working on the book in my mind. Constructing proper sentences & making connections. I figured it would all still be there in the morning. In my head.
I was wrong.
In fact, I woke up feeling completely disillusioned. I didn´t remember any of my sentences: not even the witty ones! No longer inspired in the least, I nevertheless tried to tell Daniel all about my Master Plan and realized (in the midst of my explanation) that it was not so fabulous at all & that I would probably never work it out. And that is where I am today. Wondering what has happened to all my Master Plans... where have all those perfect ideas gone?
Perhaps I was hallucinating: a high fever and sleep-deprivation will do that to you.
What makes me sad is not so much the fact that I´ve forgotten all those excellent little details of my plan...but that I give up on the Plan completely. Every time.
I waver between these extremes: Inspiration and Disillusionment. Idealism and Pessimism. Dilligence and Lethargy. How is that going to get me anywhere? If I can´t hold on to that particular thought.. if I can´t remember why I thought I could make something work in the first place.
(excuse me for sounding just a tad melancholic).
I keep a journal next to my bed for these moments! It isn't like I have these moments of inspiration very often, but when I do, I've discovered that I have to write everything out then and there. If not, I really won't be able to sleep. I usually find that when I try to explain my grand "aha" moment to someone else it usually doesn't seem to make as much sense. I hear you frustration! You should, however, keep a pen and paper handy just incase!
ReplyDeleteThat was my first thought, too: "I should have a pen & paper here".. but now I am even wondering if what I was writing in my mind made any sense at all. it may have been gibberish; perhaps I just imagined that it all made sense.
ReplyDelete