"Know Thyself!"

If you´re anything like me, you will think you have a pretty good idea about who you are and what your strengths and weaknesses are............. and then you have children. Children, in a way, hold a mirror up to you and show you your limits. Continuously. It´s so humbling: to see one´s level of patience plummet to the ground. Just having to deal with daily life as a mother can make you feel like a pretty bad person. And that´s so disappointing!

The first year of motherhood might start to show you colors of your character that you´ve never noticed before, but afterwards....that´s when it really hits you!
I´m only two years into this (motherhood), and I´ve already been confronted with "the good, the bad, and the ugly" (sorry for all the borrowed language here!), and it is tough. Occasionally, mothers can feel quite happy with themselves (this was, sort of, my constant state in Ari´s first year of life); to be so devoted to another person and to feel so satisfied just to care for a child. But it gets a little harder. A lot harder, actually. And harder still, when the next child is born, and you find yourself incapable of being completely & perfectly dedicated to the both of them, simultaneously.

It´s a constant attack on my perfectionism. I wanted to do things just right (the first time around, especially); to raise my baby the "right" way, to keep her environment as clean and structured as possible. It seems foolish, but it was almost automatic to me; to strive for such ridiculously impossible, impractical, and unnecessary excellence in parenting. It sets you up for disappointment. That might last for an hour: while you´re holding your newborn, and
In fact, I think I am going to go ahead and say that parenting, in general, just sets you up for disappointment (unless: 1*you really have no expectations at all, or 2* you have all the help in the world and only have to worry about the pleasant parts of parenting). As it turns out, mothers can only do so much.......

....and then they have a meltdown, for example. In front of the kids. That´s how I started to expect my two-year old to act like a 7-year old. To listen perfectly. To eat and drink quickly and neatly. To respond immediately.

It´s so discouraging: to find out that you can´t accomplish everything you planned, as a mother. I know I´ve mentioned it before; but now it is a daily battle! I shake my head daily at my lack of patience and my failure to keep up with both of my children.
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And, again: I finally understand the women who defend combining parenthood with a career. I´m not really ambitious, but I am convinced that it would do us all a world of good if I would get out of the house every once in a while. Preferably, by myself. To pour myself into something else, for a change. Some days, I even think I´ll start screaming if I don´t take a break. And I only have two children! And I have a husband to support me.

En fin....it´s the old familiar rant. It´s just becoming more and more clear to me that parenting is really tough. Nothing can really prepare you for it.

(but there are such great days, too... moments, anyway. if you can just be a little easy on yourself, and expect the occasional meltdown & realize that it´s alright to lose it a little bit, from time to time.)