If you´re anything like me, you will think you have a pretty good idea about who you are and what your strengths and weaknesses are............. and then you have children. Children, in a way, hold a mirror up to you and show you your limits. Continuously. It´s so humbling: to see one´s level of patience plummet to the ground. Just having to deal with daily life as a mother can make you feel like a pretty bad person. And that´s so disappointing!
The first year of motherhood might start to show you colors of your character that you´ve never noticed before, but afterwards....that´s when it really hits you!
I´m only two years into this (motherhood), and I´ve already been confronted with "the good, the bad, and the ugly" (sorry for all the borrowed language here!), and it is tough. Occasionally, mothers can feel quite happy with themselves (this was, sort of, my constant state in Ari´s first year of life); to be so devoted to another person and to feel so satisfied just to care for a child. But it gets a little harder. A lot harder, actually. And harder still, when the next child is born, and you find yourself incapable of being completely & perfectly dedicated to the both of them, simultaneously.
It´s a constant attack on my perfectionism. I wanted to do things just right (the first time around, especially); to raise my baby the "right" way, to keep her environment as clean and structured as possible. It seems foolish, but it was almost automatic to me; to strive for such ridiculously impossible, impractical, and unnecessary excellence in parenting. It sets you up for disappointment. That might last for an hour: while you´re holding your newborn, and
In fact, I think I am going to go ahead and say that parenting, in general, just sets you up for disappointment (unless: 1*you really have no expectations at all, or 2* you have all the help in the world and only have to worry about the pleasant parts of parenting). As it turns out, mothers can only do so much.......
....and then they have a meltdown, for example. In front of the kids. That´s how I started to expect my two-year old to act like a 7-year old. To listen perfectly. To eat and drink quickly and neatly. To respond immediately.
It´s so discouraging: to find out that you can´t accomplish everything you planned, as a mother. I know I´ve mentioned it before; but now it is a daily battle! I shake my head daily at my lack of patience and my failure to keep up with both of my children.
.................................................................................................................
And, again: I finally understand the women who defend combining parenthood with a career. I´m not really ambitious, but I am convinced that it would do us all a world of good if I would get out of the house every once in a while. Preferably, by myself. To pour myself into something else, for a change. Some days, I even think I´ll start screaming if I don´t take a break. And I only have two children! And I have a husband to support me.
En fin....it´s the old familiar rant. It´s just becoming more and more clear to me that parenting is really tough. Nothing can really prepare you for it.
(but there are such great days, too... moments, anyway. if you can just be a little easy on yourself, and expect the occasional meltdown & realize that it´s alright to lose it a little bit, from time to time.)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Trouble With Convenience...
I´m not a fan of this decade. That sounds pretty silly, I guess, but it´s true. I would have gladly chosen for my children to live in another one (an earlier one, more specifically).
Some other moms and I were discussing this just yesterday, and we all agreed that living in the "Wii-Generation" makes us nervous.
Sure, this is the one (the decade) we´ve got & I guess I´ve got to come to terms with living in a hyper-technological age, but part of me just wants to complain and worry about it. And, honestly, I think we have a good reason to mourn the passing of those simpler decades.
Our children will grow up surrounded by screens. The screens of their (or their friends´) giant flatscreen televisions, the screens of their paper-thin I-Touch phones, I-pods, mini-Play Stations, computers, etc. The worst part is that we have no power to prevent this: to keep the screens out of their lives... Because, even if we don´t buy them these gadgets, they will use them at school, or at their friends´house. Everyone will convince them that they need a great collection of screens. They will communicate through those screens. I don´t think I´m being excessively dramatic when I predict that our children will socialize from a distance, as we have started to do ourselves, in this age of social networking through the internet. To say it Prufrock-style; "I have measured my life through profile-updates".
*What can we do to prevent this? To ensure that our children develop real social skills: that they be capable of maintaining a face-to-face conversation, a good old tête à tête.
I don´t want my children to live life artificially: to communicate only through screens and superficial "status updates", to play sports only "as if", with a remote in hand, from the comfort of a living-room (and I admit that Wii-ing is fun!). Building "tents" outside and going on scavenger-hunts was SO much more exciting. If it goes on like this, we´ll all go through life without ever really having to interact with one another. We´ll be disconnected, no matter how many "friends" we may have collected on our social networking sites. The future suddenly doesn´t look so pleasant at all. Not to me, at least.
What ever happened to tertulias and the like? Now it´s nothing but forums and chatrooms.
I´ve gone along with it, to some extent, but I am really displeased with these developments.
Countless articles have been published about the positive effect of these modern modes of communication on language and social interaction, but I think it has done far more damage than good. I don´t enjoy these developments at all: I don´t want to live in a world of "OMG," "TTYL," and "LOL". Why have we become so lazy?
Suffice it to say that these changes have made me a little pessimistic. Daniel & I would like to raise social children. Social and well-spoken... And I have a feeling that most of the world, and the convenience of its newest gadgets, is going to get in our way.
Some other moms and I were discussing this just yesterday, and we all agreed that living in the "Wii-Generation" makes us nervous.
Sure, this is the one (the decade) we´ve got & I guess I´ve got to come to terms with living in a hyper-technological age, but part of me just wants to complain and worry about it. And, honestly, I think we have a good reason to mourn the passing of those simpler decades.
Our children will grow up surrounded by screens. The screens of their (or their friends´) giant flatscreen televisions, the screens of their paper-thin I-Touch phones, I-pods, mini-Play Stations, computers, etc. The worst part is that we have no power to prevent this: to keep the screens out of their lives... Because, even if we don´t buy them these gadgets, they will use them at school, or at their friends´house. Everyone will convince them that they need a great collection of screens. They will communicate through those screens. I don´t think I´m being excessively dramatic when I predict that our children will socialize from a distance, as we have started to do ourselves, in this age of social networking through the internet. To say it Prufrock-style; "I have measured my life through profile-updates".
*What can we do to prevent this? To ensure that our children develop real social skills: that they be capable of maintaining a face-to-face conversation, a good old tête à tête.
I don´t want my children to live life artificially: to communicate only through screens and superficial "status updates", to play sports only "as if", with a remote in hand, from the comfort of a living-room (and I admit that Wii-ing is fun!). Building "tents" outside and going on scavenger-hunts was SO much more exciting. If it goes on like this, we´ll all go through life without ever really having to interact with one another. We´ll be disconnected, no matter how many "friends" we may have collected on our social networking sites. The future suddenly doesn´t look so pleasant at all. Not to me, at least.
What ever happened to tertulias and the like? Now it´s nothing but forums and chatrooms.
I´ve gone along with it, to some extent, but I am really displeased with these developments.
Countless articles have been published about the positive effect of these modern modes of communication on language and social interaction, but I think it has done far more damage than good. I don´t enjoy these developments at all: I don´t want to live in a world of "OMG," "TTYL," and "LOL". Why have we become so lazy?
Suffice it to say that these changes have made me a little pessimistic. Daniel & I would like to raise social children. Social and well-spoken... And I have a feeling that most of the world, and the convenience of its newest gadgets, is going to get in our way.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Of Insomnia & Inspiration
Let me know if this has ever happened to you:
One week ago, on Tuesday night, I had a 39 degree C fever and could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, but my mind was racing and I could not sleep, despite the fact that I had not slept more than an hour or two in the days before. I wanted to close my eyes and rest, but instead I came up with a master-plan for my life. I had the most peculiar sense of inspiration and productivity.
Everything became perfectly clear in my mind: I thought of all the details that would need to fall into place for my plan to work... I wrote pages and pages (still, in my head), my sentences were concise & clever. It all made sense, and for the first time in ages I felt like I had a goal to work toward. I even "wrote" a letter to one of my old university professors to ask for advice regarding my plan. I made a list of "To-Do´s" and "To Discuss". It gave me such a rush; to be so goal-oriented, for once in my life. To feel so gloriously inspired. It seemed like I finally had found the purpose I had been looking for: and (more importantly) the confidence to pursue it.
At one point, I considered going downstairs to get started. To write it all out in detail: to take advantage of that rare moment of inspiration. But Daniel would have gotten on my case. In fact, he was telling me to just go to sleep all along. And I should have. But hours passed, and I was still working on the book in my mind. Constructing proper sentences & making connections. I figured it would all still be there in the morning. In my head.
I was wrong.
In fact, I woke up feeling completely disillusioned. I didn´t remember any of my sentences: not even the witty ones! No longer inspired in the least, I nevertheless tried to tell Daniel all about my Master Plan and realized (in the midst of my explanation) that it was not so fabulous at all & that I would probably never work it out. And that is where I am today. Wondering what has happened to all my Master Plans... where have all those perfect ideas gone?
Perhaps I was hallucinating: a high fever and sleep-deprivation will do that to you.
What makes me sad is not so much the fact that I´ve forgotten all those excellent little details of my plan...but that I give up on the Plan completely. Every time.
I waver between these extremes: Inspiration and Disillusionment. Idealism and Pessimism. Dilligence and Lethargy. How is that going to get me anywhere? If I can´t hold on to that particular thought.. if I can´t remember why I thought I could make something work in the first place.
(excuse me for sounding just a tad melancholic).
One week ago, on Tuesday night, I had a 39 degree C fever and could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, but my mind was racing and I could not sleep, despite the fact that I had not slept more than an hour or two in the days before. I wanted to close my eyes and rest, but instead I came up with a master-plan for my life. I had the most peculiar sense of inspiration and productivity.
Everything became perfectly clear in my mind: I thought of all the details that would need to fall into place for my plan to work... I wrote pages and pages (still, in my head), my sentences were concise & clever. It all made sense, and for the first time in ages I felt like I had a goal to work toward. I even "wrote" a letter to one of my old university professors to ask for advice regarding my plan. I made a list of "To-Do´s" and "To Discuss". It gave me such a rush; to be so goal-oriented, for once in my life. To feel so gloriously inspired. It seemed like I finally had found the purpose I had been looking for: and (more importantly) the confidence to pursue it.
At one point, I considered going downstairs to get started. To write it all out in detail: to take advantage of that rare moment of inspiration. But Daniel would have gotten on my case. In fact, he was telling me to just go to sleep all along. And I should have. But hours passed, and I was still working on the book in my mind. Constructing proper sentences & making connections. I figured it would all still be there in the morning. In my head.
I was wrong.
In fact, I woke up feeling completely disillusioned. I didn´t remember any of my sentences: not even the witty ones! No longer inspired in the least, I nevertheless tried to tell Daniel all about my Master Plan and realized (in the midst of my explanation) that it was not so fabulous at all & that I would probably never work it out. And that is where I am today. Wondering what has happened to all my Master Plans... where have all those perfect ideas gone?
Perhaps I was hallucinating: a high fever and sleep-deprivation will do that to you.
What makes me sad is not so much the fact that I´ve forgotten all those excellent little details of my plan...but that I give up on the Plan completely. Every time.
I waver between these extremes: Inspiration and Disillusionment. Idealism and Pessimism. Dilligence and Lethargy. How is that going to get me anywhere? If I can´t hold on to that particular thought.. if I can´t remember why I thought I could make something work in the first place.
(excuse me for sounding just a tad melancholic).
Monday, January 11, 2010
Just the Four of Us....
Why´d we have to go and make things so complicated???? just kidding. I am so excited to have two daughters. I am also very tired.
Life has gotten a lot more hectic around these parts. Daniel started back at work today, and I am sitting in a room full of laundry. Clean laundry here, dirty laundry upstairs, a washing-machine working on load number 258. If only I had a laundry-room to hide that mess!
How am I going to keep up with it? Not just with the clothes... No, with every aspect of life. I just put the girls down for naps and it feels like I haven´t accomplished anything at all. Few things are more dreadful (at least when it concerns the domestic sphere).
Time Management: I was finally starting to get things organized (before Anika was born). Overall, the house was still a bit of a disaster, but I at least managed to keep the bed- and bath-rooms clean & tidy. It was so rewarding to look around and not to see piles of junk all over the floor. Not to notice a layer of dust on every surface.
Now, on the contrary, I can hardly move an inch without stepping on something. It makes me so nervous. But here is the problem: when the girls are fed and asleep (in other words, my window of opportunity!), I can choose to do one of the following (two, if I´m lucky & particularly efficient):
*Get showered & dressed
*Eat whichever meal is due
*Take a nap
*Clean
*Cook
*Relax
That´s it. And, as you might guess, I often choose the last. Why? Shouldn´t I at least have the decency to brush my hair and put on a clean pair of socks?? Well, I should, but that hour of "nothing", of sitting in front of the computer, helps me to feel ever so slightly connected to the outside world. And that beats personal hygiene- it just does.
But it´s a tough choice. I would LOVE to take a nap. I´d also really love to sort through those piles and clean the bathroom..... (the effects of my nesting-syndrome haven´t worn off) But I prefer to talk to y´all instead.
So.....life as a family of four. It´s still sort of unreal to talk about "the kids"...plural. Makes me feel like I should be in my thirties. Arianna is taking the change very well, thankfully, though I notice that it has affected her. Of course it has. Children internalize these drastic changes, and I can tell that Ari hasn´t been sleeping as well lately. She has woken up several times from what seem to be nightmares. She calls out for me and wants to sit with me, but it happens almost exclusively when she wakes up at night. During the day, she goes merrily about her business, playing cheerfully as usual. She doesn´t complain when I hold Baby Zus, nor does she go out of her way to get my attention in those instances.
She is kind to Anika, and seems quite fascinated with her. (and, let´s face it, life is too full of exciting things such as numbers and letters.. who has time to be minding baby-sisters? Just this morning, she enthusiastically shouted "toast is de A de Ari"..so, I looked at the soggy piece on her plate, and, good heavens!, it did indeed resemble an A.)
Anika is still so easy to care for. She eats and sleeps much and well. She does, however, suffer terribly from colic at night. These colic-attacks tend to happen between 11 and 1 at night, and they last long. Poor little thing: her belly becomes like a rock, she kicks her legs frantically, and she screams out in distress. Tears roll down her warm little cheeks. And there is so little I can do to relieve it. I move her legs, I rub her belly, I try to help her get rid of those gases, but it´s tough. And, as the experts say, colic can´t always be remedied. You just have to go through it. Mothers can try to cut out certain things of their diet, or drink special teas, but, in the end, those tiny intestines just need a few months to develop. And some children suffer more as a result of this process than others.
So, the colic has been no fun. Neither has the mastitis, though I am finally getting past that ordeal.
It takes the four of us about 2 hours to get ready to leave the house for any type of outing, and this stresses Mama out. (and I am not saying 2 hours of slowly gathering our things. I mean 2 hours of rushing). Daniel doesn´t get too stressed by this, but then again, stress is just not his thing, and I envy him for his ability to just "stay cool and take a chill pill". I might envy it, but things get pretty tense when I´m trying to get myself (and everybody else!) organized and Daniel sees no need to hurry. Poor Ari has picked up on this (of course), and has been running around saying, "It´s not fair!" (with every bit of the dramatic intonation that I give it) because she´s heard me say that while I complain about not even having time to finish my breakfast.
What do I have to say for myself?? Huh? I act like a total maniac around my daughters sometimes. It´s very frustrating, and I try to make up for it by being really really calm and sweet, but sometimes mothers can´t be helped. Sometimes, we just need to let it out. And I´m pretty sure the kids will get over it eventually.
If I could just get caught up. I just need to get organized. The baby-announcements are designed and ready to be printed: I need to get that dealt with before another week goes by. And that laundry...that dreaded laundry that is filling one side of our closet (towering high above the hamper that holds it).. And the groceries. The meals that need cooking. The bathtub that needs cleaning. The list goes on, and I am so pathetically failing to finish the To-Do´s.
One day at a time, I reckon. As long as I can keep this baby fed & burped, and the other one out of trouble!!!
Life has gotten a lot more hectic around these parts. Daniel started back at work today, and I am sitting in a room full of laundry. Clean laundry here, dirty laundry upstairs, a washing-machine working on load number 258. If only I had a laundry-room to hide that mess!
How am I going to keep up with it? Not just with the clothes... No, with every aspect of life. I just put the girls down for naps and it feels like I haven´t accomplished anything at all. Few things are more dreadful (at least when it concerns the domestic sphere).
Time Management: I was finally starting to get things organized (before Anika was born). Overall, the house was still a bit of a disaster, but I at least managed to keep the bed- and bath-rooms clean & tidy. It was so rewarding to look around and not to see piles of junk all over the floor. Not to notice a layer of dust on every surface.
Now, on the contrary, I can hardly move an inch without stepping on something. It makes me so nervous. But here is the problem: when the girls are fed and asleep (in other words, my window of opportunity!), I can choose to do one of the following (two, if I´m lucky & particularly efficient):
*Get showered & dressed
*Eat whichever meal is due
*Take a nap
*Clean
*Cook
*Relax
That´s it. And, as you might guess, I often choose the last. Why? Shouldn´t I at least have the decency to brush my hair and put on a clean pair of socks?? Well, I should, but that hour of "nothing", of sitting in front of the computer, helps me to feel ever so slightly connected to the outside world. And that beats personal hygiene- it just does.
But it´s a tough choice. I would LOVE to take a nap. I´d also really love to sort through those piles and clean the bathroom..... (the effects of my nesting-syndrome haven´t worn off) But I prefer to talk to y´all instead.
So.....life as a family of four. It´s still sort of unreal to talk about "the kids"...plural. Makes me feel like I should be in my thirties. Arianna is taking the change very well, thankfully, though I notice that it has affected her. Of course it has. Children internalize these drastic changes, and I can tell that Ari hasn´t been sleeping as well lately. She has woken up several times from what seem to be nightmares. She calls out for me and wants to sit with me, but it happens almost exclusively when she wakes up at night. During the day, she goes merrily about her business, playing cheerfully as usual. She doesn´t complain when I hold Baby Zus, nor does she go out of her way to get my attention in those instances.
She is kind to Anika, and seems quite fascinated with her. (and, let´s face it, life is too full of exciting things such as numbers and letters.. who has time to be minding baby-sisters? Just this morning, she enthusiastically shouted "toast is de A de Ari"..so, I looked at the soggy piece on her plate, and, good heavens!, it did indeed resemble an A.)
Anika is still so easy to care for. She eats and sleeps much and well. She does, however, suffer terribly from colic at night. These colic-attacks tend to happen between 11 and 1 at night, and they last long. Poor little thing: her belly becomes like a rock, she kicks her legs frantically, and she screams out in distress. Tears roll down her warm little cheeks. And there is so little I can do to relieve it. I move her legs, I rub her belly, I try to help her get rid of those gases, but it´s tough. And, as the experts say, colic can´t always be remedied. You just have to go through it. Mothers can try to cut out certain things of their diet, or drink special teas, but, in the end, those tiny intestines just need a few months to develop. And some children suffer more as a result of this process than others.
So, the colic has been no fun. Neither has the mastitis, though I am finally getting past that ordeal.
It takes the four of us about 2 hours to get ready to leave the house for any type of outing, and this stresses Mama out. (and I am not saying 2 hours of slowly gathering our things. I mean 2 hours of rushing). Daniel doesn´t get too stressed by this, but then again, stress is just not his thing, and I envy him for his ability to just "stay cool and take a chill pill". I might envy it, but things get pretty tense when I´m trying to get myself (and everybody else!) organized and Daniel sees no need to hurry. Poor Ari has picked up on this (of course), and has been running around saying, "It´s not fair!" (with every bit of the dramatic intonation that I give it) because she´s heard me say that while I complain about not even having time to finish my breakfast.
What do I have to say for myself?? Huh? I act like a total maniac around my daughters sometimes. It´s very frustrating, and I try to make up for it by being really really calm and sweet, but sometimes mothers can´t be helped. Sometimes, we just need to let it out. And I´m pretty sure the kids will get over it eventually.
If I could just get caught up. I just need to get organized. The baby-announcements are designed and ready to be printed: I need to get that dealt with before another week goes by. And that laundry...that dreaded laundry that is filling one side of our closet (towering high above the hamper that holds it).. And the groceries. The meals that need cooking. The bathtub that needs cleaning. The list goes on, and I am so pathetically failing to finish the To-Do´s.
One day at a time, I reckon. As long as I can keep this baby fed & burped, and the other one out of trouble!!!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Birth Post
So, I finally posted the Birth Story. Three weeks after the event. Since I started writing it a while ago, it is posted underneath the other entry, so just scroll down to see it. Warning: it´s a long read.
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