While I was in Holland several weeks ago, I read about a phenomenon that is very much on my mind these days. This generation, we twenty(and thirty)-somethings, have a decision-making problem. This is so severe, in fact, that most of us end up going through a so-called quarter-life crisis. (the Dutch book calls it the "30ers dilemma," dilemma of 30-ers)
My brother & sister-in-law were discussing this with me, and they have two books on the subject, so I read through those. Almost every paragraph resonated with me. It was like reading my own thoughts.... No, it was better than that. Everything that has been stressing me out and confusing me was there, on paper, with an explanation. It´s a bit simplistic to think that one book could explain every aspect of my little life-crisis, but that is what it felt like.
Why so flaky? Why so indecisive? Why so unsatisfied? Why so wishy-washy?
Apparently, it comes down to one thing. OPTIONS. I thought it was just my multicultural background... you know, being an MK, and all that. I thought that was the reason for my uncertainties. But it can all be traced to the fact that we young-uns have a really hard time dealing with the plethora of options before us.
Fifty years ago, life was a lot simpler. Not necessarily better, no, but definitely simpler. One would wake up in the morning, pick out one of maybe 5 possible outfits, choose either cornflakes or toast for breakfast, and head to work... WORK was not such a huge question: it was either work in the homestead, a teaching-job at the local high school, a cafeteria. Things were pretty predictable. In the following decades, things started to change drastically.
From the small decisions to the big ones: everything got a whole lot more complicated. And it all started in the grocery-store. Cereal? Which one of three-hundred varieties?? Milk? Skim, fresh, low-fat, extra calcium, whole, soy?? And quantities (gallon, liter, etc..), packaging (plastic, glass, cardboard), price.
Options became the magic word: every aspect of our life would revolve around it. From our clothing, to our food, to our relationships, to our careers, studies, hobbies, transportation, housing......
It´s too much for us. Psychologists / sociologists have conducted experiments and found that, ironically, people do not thrive where there are too many options. Life did improve for a little while: when the amount of options went from 0 to 20. But then, when it surpassed the 100s, it all got a little messy. We stopped knowing what to choose, and decided not to choose anything at all. Instead, we just stand still, surveying a world of opportunities and wondering where we belong in it.
One of the examples in the book was something like this: a hungry donkey sees two piles of hay. The piles are both equally appealling, and the donkey doesn´t know which to choose. So, rather than settling for one of the piles, the donkey starves herself to death. Dramatic? Yeah, but I totally got the point.
Another example: two groups of jelly-shoppers were presented with a certain amount of jelly-jars. The first group had 6 jars to choose from. The other group had 16 jars. Significantly more jars were sold in the first group. Clearly, we do not do so well with options.
We don´t know what we want. It´s exactly like the author of one of the books said: we want both the farm-house and the loft in the big city. We think, at least for a while, that we can have it all: the succesful career and the perfect little family, the big income and time to travel around the world, the nice car and no car at all /or an ecological alternative.
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This is why I have such a hard time figuring out to do with my life. This is why I change my mind almost every time I make a decision. How can I make one decision and stick with it, knowing that there are a hundred other options out there... options that might be better.
But, another thing the Dutch book brought up: perhaps the next generation will learn to deal with this. Maybe my kids will know exactly how to take advantage of all the options they have. Maybe having options won´t make them indecisive & unsatisfied.
I've had conversations with Josh about the problem about having so many options, it would seem on the one had like a good thing to have options but then it's almost like a curse too! I certainly struggle with this so much and find myself sometimes wishing someone else would make my decisions for me. I feel like I'm at a crossroads now and have to pick something and I'm afraid to because I feel that by picking one thing I'm declining something else... Sorry for the rant! This post really resonated with me.
ReplyDeleteExactly: it´s the problem of having to decline all the other options! :-) I hope you´re happy in TX now, by the way!
ReplyDeleteThanks, it is nice here, just need to meet some people!
ReplyDeleteLess is more.
ReplyDeleteThe Perfect Choice does not exist. Think wisely through consequences, then make a choice.
Having more options is advertised as being 'better' but is actually not: having more options always(!) means less happiness: you find it more difficult to choose, and having chosen are always(!) doubtful of the right choice (less happy with the chosen option).
There is one thing worse though: not choosing at all!
Make a choice, stick to it, and try to 'live in the moment'. Remove the (information-) clutter in your life ('stuff') and decide to remain ignorant of much…
Read up on "The Paradox of Choice".
This is also why happy people choose less and have less.
Also: time is more important to happiness than material stuff.
(Another good reason to kick out television: it advertises 'stuff' and is a huge time-waster)
We are struggling to with all of the above, as you know :-)
Yeah, I am starting to learn this, but it´s going to take me a while to REALLY make that paradigm-shift!! :-)
ReplyDeletethese are the most important lessons, and the hardest ones, too!
I was just talking with a friend about this too - although Kelly and I have dubbed it has the 25+ crisis which is when university finally wears off and we realize that every choice we make is a thousand choices we didn't make and that we are human beings with limits. I cannot fully enter into more than one life, I cannot keep my options open, every choice I'm making (have made) has prevented me from living a thousand other lives. I think this really hit home when a few good friends of ours moved back to our home-town and I had to admit that was not the life I was living. My children were not being raised next door to their grandparents like I had been, and nothing was ever going to change that experience for them - they can only have one life.
ReplyDeletePretty intimidating stuff, especially for this indecisive girl. Those books sound right on!
PS - its great to find you back again! Love your newest one's name :) What was her birthdate and how did it go!?!