Ari had her first panic attack (in her sleep) half an hour ago. It disturbed me greatly, but I did some research and have come to understand that it is very common to children of her age.
Around midnight, I was watching the latest LOST-episodes with my friend (a valid reason to be up that late!) when I heard Ari fussing through the babyphone. I went upstairs and picked her up, offered her water, and turned on the dim light to try to see if something was the matter with her. Ari behaved so strangely: she turned her head, kicked her legs, pushed my face away, kept saying, "mamama," but she didn´t respond to me. I did the usual thing: I held her, sang to her softly, told her "mama´s here," "mama is bij jou," but she kept crying.. She didn´t say anything, but uttered "nnnnunnnunnnu," "uuuuhmm". Her eyes were wide open. It alarmed me. I wanted her to snap out of that- didn´t know what her matter was.
After a long while, she settled down. She asked me to read her the Pooh-book and had a drink of water. I asked her if she was tired and she responded in the affirmative (something that NEVER happens!).
I went back downstairs after the usual routine: "mama is turn off de yight," "vinderziek" (vlindermuziek/butterfly-music) and "mama is cose de doors".
Naturally, I headed straight for the computer. Wanted to find out how "normal" this was. Figured it must have just been a nightmare, but still, it was strange.
As it turns out, this fits the description of "pa(v)or nocturnus" perfectly. It is very common for young children to experience night-terrors: these panic attacks usually only last for about 15 minutes (Ari´s case, too, though it seemed an eternity!), and are very alarming to the parent. This happens at some point in the first 4 hours of the child´s sleep (again, Ari´s case), as opposed to nightmares, which typically occur in the second half of the night. Obviously, this has everything to do with sleep-cycles.
Other markers:
-during a night-terror, the child appears to be awake, but is actually asleep (so they do not respond or communicate).
-the child will not remember the drama by the time they wake up in the morning (whereas children do frequently recall nightmares).
-it is NOT effective to try to comfort the child: such an approach will be met with more kicking, pushing.... (again, because the child is asleep) Hence, the child may continue calling out, "mama, mama!", because (s)he is not aware that the parent is actually there, comforting her(him).
-the best thing for the parent to do (albeit difficult/heartbreaking) is to let this go on; to let the child get over it (as long as they´re not hurting themselves with the kicking, etc., of course.) Waking the child is not advisable in this situation.
This immediately made sense to me, because I noticed that Ari got more agitated as I tried to comfort her.
And, when I read the list of things that can induce these attacks, I was convinced that Ari´s drama was a classic case of Pavor Noctornus. Children are most likely to have an episode of this after a busy day; when they are overstimulated; when they haven´t rested enough; when their routine has been interrupted. Indeed, the dear did not nap today, and we didn´t come home until about half an hour before her bedtime. This was not a normal day for us, and Ari suffered the consequences. (thankfully, she´ll probably greet me with the usual chipper, "mogguh"(morgen/morning!), "Ari is wakker" (Ari´s awake) tomorrow).
So, it was reassuring to learn that this is perfectly normal for toddlers.... Also, I am even more convinced of the value of rest & routine. My parents often use that good old Dutch calvinist motto, "rust, reinheid, en regelmaat" ("rest, cleanliness, and routine/structure"). This is something I aim for in my daily life with the kids (yet fail so frequently!).
Hopefully, it won´t take another night-terror to remind me that my dears need these things!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Recycling
I was pondering "dreams" and life-goals again (you´ve got to do something with your time, right?), and wondered whether, in the end, our dreams are all essentially the same.
Made up of the same stuff.
I started to think of a little something called "the collective unconscious". My university advisor (and English professor) was a bit of a Jung-freak and managed to incorporate Jungian psychology into all of his lectures on Shakespeare, Spenser, and Milton. These were my favorite classes, due in part to this, I think. My professor explored connections between the texts and analytical psychology (some very obscure). I´ve long since forgotten some of those connections, the clues in the literature that pointed to traces of Jungian psychology. But they were fascinating, because they made sense out of it all, and they made the literature resonate with me.
Jung´s concept of the collective unconscious states, basically, that a large part of our thoughts and experiences are universal. In other words, our thoughts, dreams, feelings, and experiences are inextricably linked to those of other humans....regardless of our situation & geography & age. Most of our ideals, then, are timeless. I could be dreaming of the same thing as a woman in the Middle Ages, or a child in Africa. Our environment & personal experience only affect the details, not the essence.
Anyway, this is precisely why my aspirations have been shaped, in large part, by others (more directly, by the expression of others, or art). The images that come to my mind when I consider my dreams & goals are images reflected in movies, novels, or song-lyrics. And vice versa.
"There is nothing new under the sun". Remember? That is exactly what Jung was talking about.
I thought I´d give you a recap of some of my recurrent life-dreams, to illustrate the point more clearly:
*I envision a cozy bookstore with wooden beams across the ceiling and myself in the middle of it, serving coffee to the fascinating readers....... (the "You´ve Got Mail"-idea)
*I see myself, briefcase in hand, doing literature research in the stuffy basement of an old university.. or sitting in an office (with a huge wood-framed window) in the English department, contributing to journals for literary criticism. With a bunch of other enthusiastic academics (academic enthusiasts?) around, of course... (think "Possession", the film with Gwyneth Paltrow)
*I imagine having no "job" at all (basically what I´m doing now, but in a more romantic setting): just raising my daughters (and 2 or 3 more kids :-) why stop at 2 in an ideal world?), frolicking in the green hills, racing to the lighthouse, baking cookies in our industrial oven in a massive kitchen with an ocean-view. (à la "Anne of Green Gables,"maybe).
That is the best I can think of. And, honestly, don´t you think of similar things? I don´t know how many of my friends have shared a similar coffee/tea/book-store idea. Obviously, we´ve customized these collective ideas, but they originated in the same place.
I guess I´ll talk for myself, but I do think Jung had a point. My thoughts are nothing but a patchwork of the best feel-good movies and novels. With a few slight adaptations. Little House on the Prairie meets Dead Poets Society. Something like that. Usually, this frustrates me. It bothers me to be so unoriginal. To have such Blah-aspirations. But then I remember that what seems unoriginal and abstract (the common denominator in my dreams: I might describe it as a sense of "coziness" or something fluffy like that :-) ) is just a reflection of a greater/universal/collective dream. I am not saying that Napoleon ( to name someone ) shared my dream of serving coffee and conversing with a bunch of fellow idealists. But there is a reason why Hollywood feeds us the same formula (for romance, for action, for adventure) in all its productions. Books do the same. And songs.
Sometimes, I just think in song-lyrics. Whatever I might be experiencing, all that comes to my mind to express it is something written/expressed by someone else. While writing this, for instance, I sing, "But you can´t be in love like the movies..... ´cos in the movies, they´re not in love at all!" (from a song by the Avett Brothers, one of the local bands from our life in NC) It seems so pathetic, but, on the other hand, it´s just human. It´s a manifestation of the collective unconscious. It makes art work. It makes Hollywood a lot of money. It´s a form of recycling.
Good grief! I dwell on the same two or three things... it´s all kids and marriage and dreams in my world. Any suggestions for a change of topic??
I´ve added some Ari-quotations to that earlier post (before I forget them).
Made up of the same stuff.
I started to think of a little something called "the collective unconscious". My university advisor (and English professor) was a bit of a Jung-freak and managed to incorporate Jungian psychology into all of his lectures on Shakespeare, Spenser, and Milton. These were my favorite classes, due in part to this, I think. My professor explored connections between the texts and analytical psychology (some very obscure). I´ve long since forgotten some of those connections, the clues in the literature that pointed to traces of Jungian psychology. But they were fascinating, because they made sense out of it all, and they made the literature resonate with me.
Jung´s concept of the collective unconscious states, basically, that a large part of our thoughts and experiences are universal. In other words, our thoughts, dreams, feelings, and experiences are inextricably linked to those of other humans....regardless of our situation & geography & age. Most of our ideals, then, are timeless. I could be dreaming of the same thing as a woman in the Middle Ages, or a child in Africa. Our environment & personal experience only affect the details, not the essence.
Anyway, this is precisely why my aspirations have been shaped, in large part, by others (more directly, by the expression of others, or art). The images that come to my mind when I consider my dreams & goals are images reflected in movies, novels, or song-lyrics. And vice versa.
"There is nothing new under the sun". Remember? That is exactly what Jung was talking about.
I thought I´d give you a recap of some of my recurrent life-dreams, to illustrate the point more clearly:
*I envision a cozy bookstore with wooden beams across the ceiling and myself in the middle of it, serving coffee to the fascinating readers....... (the "You´ve Got Mail"-idea)
*I see myself, briefcase in hand, doing literature research in the stuffy basement of an old university.. or sitting in an office (with a huge wood-framed window) in the English department, contributing to journals for literary criticism. With a bunch of other enthusiastic academics (academic enthusiasts?) around, of course... (think "Possession", the film with Gwyneth Paltrow)
*I imagine having no "job" at all (basically what I´m doing now, but in a more romantic setting): just raising my daughters (and 2 or 3 more kids :-) why stop at 2 in an ideal world?), frolicking in the green hills, racing to the lighthouse, baking cookies in our industrial oven in a massive kitchen with an ocean-view. (à la "Anne of Green Gables,"maybe).
That is the best I can think of. And, honestly, don´t you think of similar things? I don´t know how many of my friends have shared a similar coffee/tea/book-store idea. Obviously, we´ve customized these collective ideas, but they originated in the same place.
I guess I´ll talk for myself, but I do think Jung had a point. My thoughts are nothing but a patchwork of the best feel-good movies and novels. With a few slight adaptations. Little House on the Prairie meets Dead Poets Society. Something like that. Usually, this frustrates me. It bothers me to be so unoriginal. To have such Blah-aspirations. But then I remember that what seems unoriginal and abstract (the common denominator in my dreams: I might describe it as a sense of "coziness" or something fluffy like that :-) ) is just a reflection of a greater/universal/collective dream. I am not saying that Napoleon ( to name someone ) shared my dream of serving coffee and conversing with a bunch of fellow idealists. But there is a reason why Hollywood feeds us the same formula (for romance, for action, for adventure) in all its productions. Books do the same. And songs.
Sometimes, I just think in song-lyrics. Whatever I might be experiencing, all that comes to my mind to express it is something written/expressed by someone else. While writing this, for instance, I sing, "But you can´t be in love like the movies..... ´cos in the movies, they´re not in love at all!" (from a song by the Avett Brothers, one of the local bands from our life in NC) It seems so pathetic, but, on the other hand, it´s just human. It´s a manifestation of the collective unconscious. It makes art work. It makes Hollywood a lot of money. It´s a form of recycling.
Good grief! I dwell on the same two or three things... it´s all kids and marriage and dreams in my world. Any suggestions for a change of topic??
I´ve added some Ari-quotations to that earlier post (before I forget them).
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Upon Considering Haves and Have-Nots
This morning, I thought I would go ahead and whine some more. More venting, to work it all out in my mind. But I´ve decided to try to look at the brighter side. Sleep-deprivation, as Daniel and I discussed over the phone early this morning (when he was off to work after another stress-induced argument), can really distort things. Recently, in moments of stress or frustration, we´ve both said things like, "that´s it! one more day of this chaos, and I´m going to lose it!".
Then, when morning comes around, everything seems a lot more bearable. It happens again and again..... simply because fatigue & stress are so invasive; they have such power to dampen one´s spirits.
Anyhow, I thought of stress, I thought of everything that is making this month such a hard one. And then God (or a more sensible version of myself, I suppose) reminded me that I am so exceptionally blessed to be in this place.
It´s surprisingly easy to lose perspective (for me, anyway), despite daily confrontation with the suffering of others around the globe (ahem *Haiti).
I am surrounded by Have-Nots. By Have-Nothings and Have-Littles. I don´t have to leave the city to run into people who lack a roof above their heads, who have no resources whatsoever, no food to feed their children. The Have-Nothings are everywhere. And then there are Have-Less.... people who do have the basics to make it from day to day but haven´t lived the life they would have chosen for themselves. I could go on and on. There are a lot of people, within a wide range in the Have-Less category, who have a real right to complain.
I am one of the Haves. NO! I am one of the Have-Much´s.
An expression of gratitude is in order: (again, I repeat things ad nauseam)
- I grew up in a great family
- I have an education (and not a cent of debt, thanks to others)
- I have health
- I have friends (I might complain that "I have no friends, no social life", but I´m not really a loner, in the end)
- I have a best friend for a husband (just as I wanted)
- I have children (just as I wanted), and they were born:
*healthy
*happy (both of my daughters are smilers!)
- I have a roof above my head
- and.....compared to so many people, I suppose my life is quite interesting. (another invalid complaint: "I haven´t been anywhere! I haven´t seen the world").
What more could I really be asking for??? (I do ask for plenty, but realize it is ridiculous).
It has been surprising to discover that the most beautiful phases in life can also be the most difficult. Daniel and I are living a dream, raising the two loveliest daughters, but the dream has been difficult. It´s strange to feel such complex and conflictive emotions all at once. It has made us all behave so strangely in the last few weeks. We´ve yelled at one another, we´ve slammed doors, we´ve hugged, we´ve felt so proud of our little family, we´ve been so fascinated with new life, so overwhelmed with love, so worried, so unsure about the future, so afraid of failure, so grateful, so happy, so blessed..... How does that work? Everything collides.
An observation: The sixth week of a newborn´s life is infamous. It is, supposedly, the hardest week for baby & parents (especially with regard to colic, which is something that little Anika suffers from considerably). The first few years (first, second, or third...depending on which marriage-book you consult) of marriage are the hardest ones. The terrible two´s are...well, the terrible two´s.
Suffice it to say that, due to this combination of factors (and some others), this could pretty well be one of the most difficult years for us. But it is so beautiful, on so many levels, and we are so blessed to get to go through this. It (the trouble) has everything to do with togetherness: being together, the four of us... learning to adjust to every one´s particular needs, and to accept the personality-differences that make life-sharing so complicated sometimes. And the fact that we get to be together at all is really special.
Do me a favor, then, and read between the lines of my entries. When you read, "it´s so, so difficult!", also imagine a footnote:* "it is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!", because it (being a young mother,etc.) truly is.
Then, when morning comes around, everything seems a lot more bearable. It happens again and again..... simply because fatigue & stress are so invasive; they have such power to dampen one´s spirits.
Anyhow, I thought of stress, I thought of everything that is making this month such a hard one. And then God (or a more sensible version of myself, I suppose) reminded me that I am so exceptionally blessed to be in this place.
It´s surprisingly easy to lose perspective (for me, anyway), despite daily confrontation with the suffering of others around the globe (ahem *Haiti).
I am surrounded by Have-Nots. By Have-Nothings and Have-Littles. I don´t have to leave the city to run into people who lack a roof above their heads, who have no resources whatsoever, no food to feed their children. The Have-Nothings are everywhere. And then there are Have-Less.... people who do have the basics to make it from day to day but haven´t lived the life they would have chosen for themselves. I could go on and on. There are a lot of people, within a wide range in the Have-Less category, who have a real right to complain.
I am one of the Haves. NO! I am one of the Have-Much´s.
An expression of gratitude is in order: (again, I repeat things ad nauseam)
- I grew up in a great family
- I have an education (and not a cent of debt, thanks to others)
- I have health
- I have friends (I might complain that "I have no friends, no social life", but I´m not really a loner, in the end)
- I have a best friend for a husband (just as I wanted)
- I have children (just as I wanted), and they were born:
*healthy
*happy (both of my daughters are smilers!)
- I have a roof above my head
- and.....compared to so many people, I suppose my life is quite interesting. (another invalid complaint: "I haven´t been anywhere! I haven´t seen the world").
What more could I really be asking for??? (I do ask for plenty, but realize it is ridiculous).
It has been surprising to discover that the most beautiful phases in life can also be the most difficult. Daniel and I are living a dream, raising the two loveliest daughters, but the dream has been difficult. It´s strange to feel such complex and conflictive emotions all at once. It has made us all behave so strangely in the last few weeks. We´ve yelled at one another, we´ve slammed doors, we´ve hugged, we´ve felt so proud of our little family, we´ve been so fascinated with new life, so overwhelmed with love, so worried, so unsure about the future, so afraid of failure, so grateful, so happy, so blessed..... How does that work? Everything collides.
An observation: The sixth week of a newborn´s life is infamous. It is, supposedly, the hardest week for baby & parents (especially with regard to colic, which is something that little Anika suffers from considerably). The first few years (first, second, or third...depending on which marriage-book you consult) of marriage are the hardest ones. The terrible two´s are...well, the terrible two´s.
Suffice it to say that, due to this combination of factors (and some others), this could pretty well be one of the most difficult years for us. But it is so beautiful, on so many levels, and we are so blessed to get to go through this. It (the trouble) has everything to do with togetherness: being together, the four of us... learning to adjust to every one´s particular needs, and to accept the personality-differences that make life-sharing so complicated sometimes. And the fact that we get to be together at all is really special.
Do me a favor, then, and read between the lines of my entries. When you read, "it´s so, so difficult!", also imagine a footnote:* "it is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful!", because it (being a young mother,etc.) truly is.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Things She Says
Memorable quotations from my 2-year old: (pronunciation included..)
"Mama is like bew-full (beautiful) pie!" (don´t ask me why. she got the "pie" part from "sweetie pie," but I don´t know how she came up with this combination).
"De A de Ari has a red bird on it" (a keen observation when we passed the Alcampo....)
"Dis is a stupid park, dis is a stupid clouds, dis is a stupid car, dis is a stupid tree" (My bad! she overheard my use of "stupid" in traffic and decided everything else was stupid, as well. )
"Ari is eat a ham-huh-huh (hamburger)" (my personal favorite).
"casa means house...coche means car"
"Ari is cah-ring (coloring) vary well"
"Papa is fuh-russ-trated (frustrated)"
"Ari is buy moneys at de store"
"Buhn-Gog (Bunnydog) is laughing...HAhaHaHAha!!!!" (whilst holding him by his ears, making him "jump").
"Whus-puh-whus-puh(lippenstift: chapstick)...Ari´s have some" (the child is obsessed with my chapsticks and hand-creams)
"Opa is put de Josh Goban cee-ee (CD) on de pooh-ter (computer)" (he did put that CD on when he was here in December... A few weeks ago, Ari mentioned it, just out of the blue).
"Papa says ´tomato,´Mama says ´tomaat´" (with such care to emphasize the different pronunciations. She said the same for "bus," and some other words). (She´s becoming increasingly aware of the differences between "her" languages. Always noticing the distinctions between Mama´s language & Papa´s language & Spanish).
"Allyson´s got new boots for Ari.....wooooooh!"
"Somebody´s in de kitchen"
"Ari´s counting...yumber free (3).. Lucas said ´cinco´"
"Ari´s got a new changing-table" (not true, by the way)
"De pizza-toast is like a polar-bear" (first, she saw the letter "A" in her pieces of toast. Now, apparently, she´s imagining other things, too).
I write this as the baby-phone allows me to catch up on all the silly things she says while she should be taking a nap.
She makes me laugh so much every day, amid the stress of juggling life with 2 kids.
Yesterday, I was preparing Ari´s bath and filling the small bathtub for Anika... suddenly, I heard "boom" and she started whining: I turned around and there she was...soaked in her green new PJs. She had tried to climb into the bath by herself and fell in. I thought to myself, "Great! Another bath-problem...it´s going to be months before she´ll take a bath again!", but, thankfully, she got over the shock and took a bath without complaint.
She´s so dramatic, it´s quite entertaining. I guess she gets it from me. What did I expect? I always get super-excited (excessively so) about things when she´s with me, and she has picked up the habit of exclaiming, "WOOOO-HOOOOO!", "Wow!", "cool!", and "hee-heeeeeee," when she sees/hears/discovers something interesting. I suppose I´ve tried to teach her to be optimistic and enthusiastic about life, and I´ve gone a little overboard. Sometimes, however, her expressions are so nonchalant... more Daniel-style: a dry "yup" or "jah" (ja). She´s a funny child.
And then Anika... Well, there´s not too much to say about her at this point. She is calm, smiles a lot, and has belly-aches. That´s about it. It´s impossible to stop staring at her while she smiles. It is so sweet and lifts my spirits. We have yet to discover Ani´s little personality-quirks. When we do, I´ll be documenting it!
"Mama is like bew-full (beautiful) pie!" (don´t ask me why. she got the "pie" part from "sweetie pie," but I don´t know how she came up with this combination).
"De A de Ari has a red bird on it" (a keen observation when we passed the Alcampo....)
"Dis is a stupid park, dis is a stupid clouds, dis is a stupid car, dis is a stupid tree" (My bad! she overheard my use of "stupid" in traffic and decided everything else was stupid, as well. )
"Ari is eat a ham-huh-huh (hamburger)" (my personal favorite).
"casa means house...coche means car"
"Ari is cah-ring (coloring) vary well"
"Papa is fuh-russ-trated (frustrated)"
"Ari is buy moneys at de store"
"Buhn-Gog (Bunnydog) is laughing...HAhaHaHAha!!!!" (whilst holding him by his ears, making him "jump").
"Whus-puh-whus-puh(lippenstift: chapstick)...Ari´s have some" (the child is obsessed with my chapsticks and hand-creams)
"Opa is put de Josh Goban cee-ee (CD) on de pooh-ter (computer)" (he did put that CD on when he was here in December... A few weeks ago, Ari mentioned it, just out of the blue).
"Papa says ´tomato,´Mama says ´tomaat´" (with such care to emphasize the different pronunciations. She said the same for "bus," and some other words). (She´s becoming increasingly aware of the differences between "her" languages. Always noticing the distinctions between Mama´s language & Papa´s language & Spanish).
"Allyson´s got new boots for Ari.....wooooooh!"
"Somebody´s in de kitchen"
"Ari´s counting...yumber free (3).. Lucas said ´cinco´"
"Ari´s got a new changing-table" (not true, by the way)
"De pizza-toast is like a polar-bear" (first, she saw the letter "A" in her pieces of toast. Now, apparently, she´s imagining other things, too).
I write this as the baby-phone allows me to catch up on all the silly things she says while she should be taking a nap.
She makes me laugh so much every day, amid the stress of juggling life with 2 kids.
Yesterday, I was preparing Ari´s bath and filling the small bathtub for Anika... suddenly, I heard "boom" and she started whining: I turned around and there she was...soaked in her green new PJs. She had tried to climb into the bath by herself and fell in. I thought to myself, "Great! Another bath-problem...it´s going to be months before she´ll take a bath again!", but, thankfully, she got over the shock and took a bath without complaint.
She´s so dramatic, it´s quite entertaining. I guess she gets it from me. What did I expect? I always get super-excited (excessively so) about things when she´s with me, and she has picked up the habit of exclaiming, "WOOOO-HOOOOO!", "Wow!", "cool!", and "hee-heeeeeee," when she sees/hears/discovers something interesting. I suppose I´ve tried to teach her to be optimistic and enthusiastic about life, and I´ve gone a little overboard. Sometimes, however, her expressions are so nonchalant... more Daniel-style: a dry "yup" or "jah" (ja). She´s a funny child.
And then Anika... Well, there´s not too much to say about her at this point. She is calm, smiles a lot, and has belly-aches. That´s about it. It´s impossible to stop staring at her while she smiles. It is so sweet and lifts my spirits. We have yet to discover Ani´s little personality-quirks. When we do, I´ll be documenting it!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
"Know Thyself!"
If you´re anything like me, you will think you have a pretty good idea about who you are and what your strengths and weaknesses are............. and then you have children. Children, in a way, hold a mirror up to you and show you your limits. Continuously. It´s so humbling: to see one´s level of patience plummet to the ground. Just having to deal with daily life as a mother can make you feel like a pretty bad person. And that´s so disappointing!
The first year of motherhood might start to show you colors of your character that you´ve never noticed before, but afterwards....that´s when it really hits you!
I´m only two years into this (motherhood), and I´ve already been confronted with "the good, the bad, and the ugly" (sorry for all the borrowed language here!), and it is tough. Occasionally, mothers can feel quite happy with themselves (this was, sort of, my constant state in Ari´s first year of life); to be so devoted to another person and to feel so satisfied just to care for a child. But it gets a little harder. A lot harder, actually. And harder still, when the next child is born, and you find yourself incapable of being completely & perfectly dedicated to the both of them, simultaneously.
It´s a constant attack on my perfectionism. I wanted to do things just right (the first time around, especially); to raise my baby the "right" way, to keep her environment as clean and structured as possible. It seems foolish, but it was almost automatic to me; to strive for such ridiculously impossible, impractical, and unnecessary excellence in parenting. It sets you up for disappointment. That might last for an hour: while you´re holding your newborn, and
In fact, I think I am going to go ahead and say that parenting, in general, just sets you up for disappointment (unless: 1*you really have no expectations at all, or 2* you have all the help in the world and only have to worry about the pleasant parts of parenting). As it turns out, mothers can only do so much.......
....and then they have a meltdown, for example. In front of the kids. That´s how I started to expect my two-year old to act like a 7-year old. To listen perfectly. To eat and drink quickly and neatly. To respond immediately.
It´s so discouraging: to find out that you can´t accomplish everything you planned, as a mother. I know I´ve mentioned it before; but now it is a daily battle! I shake my head daily at my lack of patience and my failure to keep up with both of my children.
.................................................................................................................
And, again: I finally understand the women who defend combining parenthood with a career. I´m not really ambitious, but I am convinced that it would do us all a world of good if I would get out of the house every once in a while. Preferably, by myself. To pour myself into something else, for a change. Some days, I even think I´ll start screaming if I don´t take a break. And I only have two children! And I have a husband to support me.
En fin....it´s the old familiar rant. It´s just becoming more and more clear to me that parenting is really tough. Nothing can really prepare you for it.
(but there are such great days, too... moments, anyway. if you can just be a little easy on yourself, and expect the occasional meltdown & realize that it´s alright to lose it a little bit, from time to time.)
The first year of motherhood might start to show you colors of your character that you´ve never noticed before, but afterwards....that´s when it really hits you!
I´m only two years into this (motherhood), and I´ve already been confronted with "the good, the bad, and the ugly" (sorry for all the borrowed language here!), and it is tough. Occasionally, mothers can feel quite happy with themselves (this was, sort of, my constant state in Ari´s first year of life); to be so devoted to another person and to feel so satisfied just to care for a child. But it gets a little harder. A lot harder, actually. And harder still, when the next child is born, and you find yourself incapable of being completely & perfectly dedicated to the both of them, simultaneously.
It´s a constant attack on my perfectionism. I wanted to do things just right (the first time around, especially); to raise my baby the "right" way, to keep her environment as clean and structured as possible. It seems foolish, but it was almost automatic to me; to strive for such ridiculously impossible, impractical, and unnecessary excellence in parenting. It sets you up for disappointment. That might last for an hour: while you´re holding your newborn, and
In fact, I think I am going to go ahead and say that parenting, in general, just sets you up for disappointment (unless: 1*you really have no expectations at all, or 2* you have all the help in the world and only have to worry about the pleasant parts of parenting). As it turns out, mothers can only do so much.......
....and then they have a meltdown, for example. In front of the kids. That´s how I started to expect my two-year old to act like a 7-year old. To listen perfectly. To eat and drink quickly and neatly. To respond immediately.
It´s so discouraging: to find out that you can´t accomplish everything you planned, as a mother. I know I´ve mentioned it before; but now it is a daily battle! I shake my head daily at my lack of patience and my failure to keep up with both of my children.
.................................................................................................................
And, again: I finally understand the women who defend combining parenthood with a career. I´m not really ambitious, but I am convinced that it would do us all a world of good if I would get out of the house every once in a while. Preferably, by myself. To pour myself into something else, for a change. Some days, I even think I´ll start screaming if I don´t take a break. And I only have two children! And I have a husband to support me.
En fin....it´s the old familiar rant. It´s just becoming more and more clear to me that parenting is really tough. Nothing can really prepare you for it.
(but there are such great days, too... moments, anyway. if you can just be a little easy on yourself, and expect the occasional meltdown & realize that it´s alright to lose it a little bit, from time to time.)
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Trouble With Convenience...
I´m not a fan of this decade. That sounds pretty silly, I guess, but it´s true. I would have gladly chosen for my children to live in another one (an earlier one, more specifically).
Some other moms and I were discussing this just yesterday, and we all agreed that living in the "Wii-Generation" makes us nervous.
Sure, this is the one (the decade) we´ve got & I guess I´ve got to come to terms with living in a hyper-technological age, but part of me just wants to complain and worry about it. And, honestly, I think we have a good reason to mourn the passing of those simpler decades.
Our children will grow up surrounded by screens. The screens of their (or their friends´) giant flatscreen televisions, the screens of their paper-thin I-Touch phones, I-pods, mini-Play Stations, computers, etc. The worst part is that we have no power to prevent this: to keep the screens out of their lives... Because, even if we don´t buy them these gadgets, they will use them at school, or at their friends´house. Everyone will convince them that they need a great collection of screens. They will communicate through those screens. I don´t think I´m being excessively dramatic when I predict that our children will socialize from a distance, as we have started to do ourselves, in this age of social networking through the internet. To say it Prufrock-style; "I have measured my life through profile-updates".
*What can we do to prevent this? To ensure that our children develop real social skills: that they be capable of maintaining a face-to-face conversation, a good old tête à tête.
I don´t want my children to live life artificially: to communicate only through screens and superficial "status updates", to play sports only "as if", with a remote in hand, from the comfort of a living-room (and I admit that Wii-ing is fun!). Building "tents" outside and going on scavenger-hunts was SO much more exciting. If it goes on like this, we´ll all go through life without ever really having to interact with one another. We´ll be disconnected, no matter how many "friends" we may have collected on our social networking sites. The future suddenly doesn´t look so pleasant at all. Not to me, at least.
What ever happened to tertulias and the like? Now it´s nothing but forums and chatrooms.
I´ve gone along with it, to some extent, but I am really displeased with these developments.
Countless articles have been published about the positive effect of these modern modes of communication on language and social interaction, but I think it has done far more damage than good. I don´t enjoy these developments at all: I don´t want to live in a world of "OMG," "TTYL," and "LOL". Why have we become so lazy?
Suffice it to say that these changes have made me a little pessimistic. Daniel & I would like to raise social children. Social and well-spoken... And I have a feeling that most of the world, and the convenience of its newest gadgets, is going to get in our way.
Some other moms and I were discussing this just yesterday, and we all agreed that living in the "Wii-Generation" makes us nervous.
Sure, this is the one (the decade) we´ve got & I guess I´ve got to come to terms with living in a hyper-technological age, but part of me just wants to complain and worry about it. And, honestly, I think we have a good reason to mourn the passing of those simpler decades.
Our children will grow up surrounded by screens. The screens of their (or their friends´) giant flatscreen televisions, the screens of their paper-thin I-Touch phones, I-pods, mini-Play Stations, computers, etc. The worst part is that we have no power to prevent this: to keep the screens out of their lives... Because, even if we don´t buy them these gadgets, they will use them at school, or at their friends´house. Everyone will convince them that they need a great collection of screens. They will communicate through those screens. I don´t think I´m being excessively dramatic when I predict that our children will socialize from a distance, as we have started to do ourselves, in this age of social networking through the internet. To say it Prufrock-style; "I have measured my life through profile-updates".
*What can we do to prevent this? To ensure that our children develop real social skills: that they be capable of maintaining a face-to-face conversation, a good old tête à tête.
I don´t want my children to live life artificially: to communicate only through screens and superficial "status updates", to play sports only "as if", with a remote in hand, from the comfort of a living-room (and I admit that Wii-ing is fun!). Building "tents" outside and going on scavenger-hunts was SO much more exciting. If it goes on like this, we´ll all go through life without ever really having to interact with one another. We´ll be disconnected, no matter how many "friends" we may have collected on our social networking sites. The future suddenly doesn´t look so pleasant at all. Not to me, at least.
What ever happened to tertulias and the like? Now it´s nothing but forums and chatrooms.
I´ve gone along with it, to some extent, but I am really displeased with these developments.
Countless articles have been published about the positive effect of these modern modes of communication on language and social interaction, but I think it has done far more damage than good. I don´t enjoy these developments at all: I don´t want to live in a world of "OMG," "TTYL," and "LOL". Why have we become so lazy?
Suffice it to say that these changes have made me a little pessimistic. Daniel & I would like to raise social children. Social and well-spoken... And I have a feeling that most of the world, and the convenience of its newest gadgets, is going to get in our way.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Of Insomnia & Inspiration
Let me know if this has ever happened to you:
One week ago, on Tuesday night, I had a 39 degree C fever and could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, but my mind was racing and I could not sleep, despite the fact that I had not slept more than an hour or two in the days before. I wanted to close my eyes and rest, but instead I came up with a master-plan for my life. I had the most peculiar sense of inspiration and productivity.
Everything became perfectly clear in my mind: I thought of all the details that would need to fall into place for my plan to work... I wrote pages and pages (still, in my head), my sentences were concise & clever. It all made sense, and for the first time in ages I felt like I had a goal to work toward. I even "wrote" a letter to one of my old university professors to ask for advice regarding my plan. I made a list of "To-Do´s" and "To Discuss". It gave me such a rush; to be so goal-oriented, for once in my life. To feel so gloriously inspired. It seemed like I finally had found the purpose I had been looking for: and (more importantly) the confidence to pursue it.
At one point, I considered going downstairs to get started. To write it all out in detail: to take advantage of that rare moment of inspiration. But Daniel would have gotten on my case. In fact, he was telling me to just go to sleep all along. And I should have. But hours passed, and I was still working on the book in my mind. Constructing proper sentences & making connections. I figured it would all still be there in the morning. In my head.
I was wrong.
In fact, I woke up feeling completely disillusioned. I didn´t remember any of my sentences: not even the witty ones! No longer inspired in the least, I nevertheless tried to tell Daniel all about my Master Plan and realized (in the midst of my explanation) that it was not so fabulous at all & that I would probably never work it out. And that is where I am today. Wondering what has happened to all my Master Plans... where have all those perfect ideas gone?
Perhaps I was hallucinating: a high fever and sleep-deprivation will do that to you.
What makes me sad is not so much the fact that I´ve forgotten all those excellent little details of my plan...but that I give up on the Plan completely. Every time.
I waver between these extremes: Inspiration and Disillusionment. Idealism and Pessimism. Dilligence and Lethargy. How is that going to get me anywhere? If I can´t hold on to that particular thought.. if I can´t remember why I thought I could make something work in the first place.
(excuse me for sounding just a tad melancholic).
One week ago, on Tuesday night, I had a 39 degree C fever and could not fall asleep. I tossed and turned, but my mind was racing and I could not sleep, despite the fact that I had not slept more than an hour or two in the days before. I wanted to close my eyes and rest, but instead I came up with a master-plan for my life. I had the most peculiar sense of inspiration and productivity.
Everything became perfectly clear in my mind: I thought of all the details that would need to fall into place for my plan to work... I wrote pages and pages (still, in my head), my sentences were concise & clever. It all made sense, and for the first time in ages I felt like I had a goal to work toward. I even "wrote" a letter to one of my old university professors to ask for advice regarding my plan. I made a list of "To-Do´s" and "To Discuss". It gave me such a rush; to be so goal-oriented, for once in my life. To feel so gloriously inspired. It seemed like I finally had found the purpose I had been looking for: and (more importantly) the confidence to pursue it.
At one point, I considered going downstairs to get started. To write it all out in detail: to take advantage of that rare moment of inspiration. But Daniel would have gotten on my case. In fact, he was telling me to just go to sleep all along. And I should have. But hours passed, and I was still working on the book in my mind. Constructing proper sentences & making connections. I figured it would all still be there in the morning. In my head.
I was wrong.
In fact, I woke up feeling completely disillusioned. I didn´t remember any of my sentences: not even the witty ones! No longer inspired in the least, I nevertheless tried to tell Daniel all about my Master Plan and realized (in the midst of my explanation) that it was not so fabulous at all & that I would probably never work it out. And that is where I am today. Wondering what has happened to all my Master Plans... where have all those perfect ideas gone?
Perhaps I was hallucinating: a high fever and sleep-deprivation will do that to you.
What makes me sad is not so much the fact that I´ve forgotten all those excellent little details of my plan...but that I give up on the Plan completely. Every time.
I waver between these extremes: Inspiration and Disillusionment. Idealism and Pessimism. Dilligence and Lethargy. How is that going to get me anywhere? If I can´t hold on to that particular thought.. if I can´t remember why I thought I could make something work in the first place.
(excuse me for sounding just a tad melancholic).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)