Birth Post

So, I finally posted the Birth Story. Three weeks after the event. Since I started writing it a while ago, it is posted underneath the other entry, so just scroll down to see it. Warning: it´s a long read.

When it Rains it Pours

(literally and figuratively!)

Yesterday stank. Some days just do.

It seems strange to be writing a "normal" post before even posting the biggie, the Birth Story. I have been working on it, a bit, off and on. It´s not going to be very polished, because I´m so obsessed with remembering the details. This is why my entries tend to be on the long side.... and, frankly, I do it for myself. You read it, but I really post most of the things I post for myself: to remember the "stuff" that my days are made of.

Thus, you shall soon read all about my birthing-experience here (or not....). It will be posted, eventually. It´s strange to be relying on my own vague memories of the ordeal & on Daniel´s account of the event. I have a video of Ari´s birth.... strange as it is to relive that experience, it serves my memory primarily, and I love having access to it. The details start to fade, even after a week, and I want so much to remember it.
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Back to more recent events... These days have been relatively calm and quiet, all things considering. Anika is such a calm baby. I´m almost hesitant to speak that into the universe, because it might change.... but, so far, we have been blessed with a child who sleeps and eats by the book. It means that we still have most of the day to do as we used to: entertain Ari, cook, watch movies (when Ari´s sleeping). I count myself very lucky indeed.

Yesterday, however, was dreadful. We had to go to the medical clinic for Anika to get her second heel prick test. Now, in Spain, this requires that the baby be "en ayunas" (fasting) for an hour and a half prior to the pinch. I don´t remember that from Ari´s experience.
I tried to plan for this, but as most mothers would know, that is not entirely possible with a nursing newborn. Anika is fed on demand, and I can´t force her to eat on a schedule. So, I tried to feed her an hour and a half before the appointment, so that she would be full and alright..
well, in vain, of course. Anika did not feel the need to eat at all. So, we drove to the clinic with a SCREAMING baby. She cried and I cried almost as much. I did. Call me dramatic or oversensitive....whatever. I held her and felt so helpless: I knew that I could put an end to the crying instantly, but was forced to let her wait. Ah. It made me so mad at the system: again.. I am always mad at "the system"! I was like, "how could they expect this??? what´s wrong with them?" But, according to the nurse, it was crucial that Anika be empty-stomached for the test-results.
And, since we are in the land of "later", we had to wait past our appointment-time. That made me even more upset. And then there was a couple of junkies, and the woman came over to see Anika... and that made me nervous, because I get so overprotective when it comes to my children. Don´t we all??? I felt bad for being politically incorrect, or paranoid, or whatever I was... Finally, it was our turn, and Anika was still screaming.... She had to be pinched not once, but twice, because the nurse couldn´t get enough blood out of her tiny heels. She started to cry, and then.....that AWFUL silence: the minute of airless and soundless screaming that preceeds the real thing: the screeching. Tears were rolling down Anika´s cheeks, and I felt so so sad for her... Not just because she was in pain (the nurse was trying to squeeze the blood out), but because she was STILL hungry. And then I had to undress her for the weighing and measuring.

It must have been Anika´s hardest day yet. But then I nursed her, right there in the doctor´s office....and everything got a little better. At least...until we had to walk through the rain to get back to our car.

I was so stressed out... Daniel & Ari went to the grocery-store in the meantime. They were stressed out, too.

Well, we got home, and everyone tried to get over it. Anika went right back to sleep (as she does all day), and the rest of us had supper and chilled.

All is well here. We are so glad to be together: the four of us. Now it really feels like a family. I know.... we were a family before, too. But Anika has made it all even more beautiful. She fits perfectly.

Happy New Year, folks!

p.s. I have SO enjoyed the (real) rain.

Anika Josephine

Those Last Days:

I was getting awfully impatient to meet my baby-girl, but the due-date passed and nothing seemed to be happening. No contractions, really, except for the occassional insignificant cramp..... I was still comfortable, walking around with my modest belly, and it was making me very antsy. Baby-Zus followed in her older sister´s footsteps indeed, as everyone had predicted...arriving 5 full days after the due-date (thankfully, not 12 days, as Ari did, but still on the late side).

The Birth Story: (for a short summary, skip this rant and check the end of the entry).

Ari had been sickly for a few days, but woke up active and cheerful on Friday (Dec.18) morning, so we carried on as usual. I convinced Daniel to accompany me and Ari on a trip to the mall, for some last-minute Christmas shopping. We didn´t buy much of anything, but had lunch at Burger King. Daniel bought Ari a kiddy-meal (miracle of miracles!), he ordered a huge burger for himself, and went to the Kebab-place to pick up a chicken-durum for me.
(yes, this is all beside the point, but I want to remember the details... so bear with me!)
Anyway, we returned home on the bus, and Ari had another spell of fever. High fever. So, at 6 o´clock, we were on our way to our health-clinic with Daniel´s mother. That´s where it all began.

I felt the first hint of a contraction at 18:00 exactly. It caught me by surprise. Then, a prompt 8 minutes later, I felt another one. So, I looked at Daniel and said something might be happening... I smiled. The "contractions" continued while we took Ari to her appointment, but they were so mild that I felt no need to stop what we were doing. Instead, I was very excited and cheerful, and told Ari´s pediatrician that I thought my baby might be coming soon.
At 20:00 we headed to my in-laws´house. We discussed the situation with Susie and decided it might be wise for us to stay with them, just in case the delivery was really going to start that night. We put Ari to bed in their attic & had some supper. I called my personal midwife & advisor ( :-) ), Melanie, and she said things would have to start hurting a whole lot more before I´d need to head to the hospital. It couldn´t be that serious yet if I was just sitting there, chatting with her.

Nonetheless, the contractions were so regular, and the intervals so short. I called my mother at around 22:00 and decided to take a shower. Meanwhile, Daniel and his father drove to our house to pick up the hospital-bag and everything Ari would need. By the time they returned, at around 23:00, I was starting to struggle. It became more difficult to talk during a contraction, and it felt like my lower body was being ripped off my upper body. I kid you not, labor is no fun. I had forgotten just how painful it was.
I tried to rest for a while. Ari woke up and cried out for me. I couldn´t even respond to her, I was so concentrated on the contractions. The pauses between contractions became so short so fast.... 4 minutes, and then 3. It was time to head to the hospital..just in case.
Daniel´s father drove us to the hospital, and we arrived at a few minutes before midnight. I got into a wheelchair and my legs were shaking, trembling. Daniel and his dad talked me through the breathing-techniques.... I don´t think I did so well. I am just not a skilled breather.

We had to wait in the cold hallway for a while. Then a nurse summoned me and I was put on the monitor. Daniel was told to wait outside, for a stupid reason (because there were other women in the rooms around there... getting checked for dilation: but that was ridiculous, because it´s not like any of them were in sight, but whatever), and the nurse prepared my hand for the mandatory IV-drip. She told me I was 4 cm dilated, and officially "de parto". She had to wait until a contraction had passed so that she could do the pinching. Then, I had to change into the hospital-robe. Then (and this is exactly the sort of thing I was expecting and dreading) they were processing my paperwork, forcing me to suffer through my contractions in the drafty hallway, without a chair for support. Oh, and could I please give them some fingerprints in the meantime? No explanations, no "we are going to do this, just wait one second". No encouragement of any sort.
The waiting didn´t last long (it can´t have, considering the baby was born within an hour of our arrival at the hospital), but minutes seem like hours, nay days, when you are in labor. And I thought it was all pretty ridiculous....the way they were not taking care of me! Daniel was still outside, so I didn´t have him to support me, either.

I was parched. Parched. I wanted water, or chapstick, or something.... and they refused.. Not even a drop of water.

Anyway, I was taken to the dilation-room. This is where the fun began. They gave me an enema, but it was too late.... I started to feel the need to push.... I told them to go get my husband, and they complied, thankfully. Daniel arrived just in time. While the 5 midwives were standing around, chatting, I was going through the worst of my labor-pains, and Daniel summoned them, saying "she needs to push!". They were very aloof throughout all of this, but they said I could push if I needed to, so I did. And there she was, at 00:51 on December the 19th. They handed Anika to me, and I loved her immediately. She felt like "my own", and I held her and forgot all about the agony of having to push her out of my body.

All the clichés are true. Seeing your baby´s face, after such a long wait, takes your mind off the pains of childbirth. All you can think is, "here (s)he is....my very own".

The fact that the midwives paid so little attention to me probably worked in my favor, because I ended up having as natural a birth as was possible in the hospital-setting. It was too late for any type of medical intervention: I just had to let it all happen, and that is great. The pain was overwhelming and intense, because I went from being 4 cm dilated to being fully dilated in about 20 minutes.... but then it was over. (so, I might be complaining about the lack of guidance on the part of the medical staff, but I guess that allowed me to do this the natural way.) I wasn´t forced to follow a particular set of steps, I wasn´t forced to wait....I just pushed & that was that.

Then they took Anika to be cleaned and dried, and Daniel went with her. I was back on my own, and it was back to "labor" for me.. (a woman´s work is never done!) I had to deliver the placenta, which went fine. However, then the membranes (the bag: the baby´s home in the womb, in other words) didn´t come out well. So the midwive started pressing on my belly, trying to push them out.. It was very uncomfortable. She seemed to press my belly down into my back, repeatedly.... until every piece of membrane made it out. A necessary procedure, because leaving them inside could cause bloodclots, etc.

Daniel and Anika returned to the room, and the three of us waited there for about 2 hours before we were finally taken to our recovery-room. During those waiting-hours, I phoned my parents and my sister, Anika nursed, and another woman in labor screamed dramatically & incessantly....... It was very surreal.
The midwives seemed to have abandoned us. Finally, a guy came to roll me away. I had Anika in my arms & Daniel beside me, and I felt giddy with excitement. The hospital hallways were so cold. Anika came into the world in the cold of winter, just like her sister....greeted by the frost outside.

The rest of the hospital-stay was quite uneventful. To sum things up: the bathroom was filthy, the room was drafty (if you had told me we were in, say, Russia, I would have believed it), and no one gave us any directions, no one told us what was going to happen. The nurses took Anika to the "nido" (the nest: or nursery), to get her warm on some type of thermal plate. We wanted her back....it was taking too long. They must have kept her for close to two hours, but gave us no indication that it would be so long.

Our roommates arrived at 6 that morning. And with them (several hours later), a lot of loud visitors... No one paid attention to visiting-hours, of course. Anyway, I recovered quickly. No stitches, which made everything a lot more comfortable. The first night & day were rough, but Anika turned out to be very calm. She only really cries when she is hungry, and she sleeps a lot. When awake, she is very alert, but she just stares at everything and rarely fusses. She gives us no trouble at all.

Next: a family of four....how have we adjusted.... (be on the look-out.)

Anika´s Birth in a Nutshell: *born at 00:51 in the dilation room of the hospital, less than an hour after our arrival at the hospital. no complications. *weight: 3345 grams *length: 51 cm

The Waiting & Wondering

I knew it would come to this. My due-date is just around the corner (on Monday), but I shouldn´t be this antsy quite yet. Not with my history. Wow, that sounds like I´ve birthed a dozen children: no, I just mean the one....Ari´s late arrival. I should know better than to get impatient, because this daughter is probably in no more of a hurry than her older sister.

But, being foolish and impatient, I sit and wait for it. Well, I do a lot of cleaning, too, these days. But you get the idea. I keep wanting things to start; so curious about this delivery-experience, although it also really makes me nervous... And nothing is starting, as far as I know. The baby is very active, but I have no pains, no signs that labor is just an hour or day away (even though, technically, it could).

I need some distraction. So, I´ll focus on throwing Ari a fabulous birthday-bash this Saturday. We´re celebrating early, for all obvious reasons. And I´ll watch movies. And I´ll try to take naps, while Ari takes hers. And I´ll clean. Yes, there´s nothing like preparing "the nest" to make the days fly by. And, then, before we know it, Baby-Zus will have joined us. After what I hope will be another smooth & quick delivery. (though I´d appreciate it if she could let us arrive at the hospital with some time to spare, at least :-) I could totally imagine being one of those women who give birth in the taxi, or in the hospital-hallway. THAT would stress me out).

SO, any more predictions regarding the date??? Come on, people. Feedback!
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On to other things.... I´ve also been thinking about the greater things of life. About God and religion, and what place I want to give it in my own life & in that of my children. What do we base these things on?? What should I base it on, when I am so aware of my own ignorance regarding spiritual matters. The more I try to analyze my own belief-system, the more I realize that it is so related to other people: to my blind faith in other people´s faith.
I am so easily swayed by books and arguments..... So dependent on other people´s opinions.
It´s really pathetic, and I am quite disillusioned to discover how shallow my religious convictions really are. I´d love to be able to defend my choice of faith: to have things figured out.
I need to learn to think for myself, but I am so aware of my own limitations; I haven´t studied these things at any depth. I´ve never done the digging that choosing a religious/spiritual direction should involve. Where the notion of other dimensions is concerned, I am clueless. All I can say is that I´ve stuck with this life-view..... that it feels right, even though I am starting to accept the possibility that it is just a gamble, in the end. I mean, what do we REALLY know?

Then, how do I want to influence my children? DO I want to guide them in the same direction, or should I be very intentional about not indoctrinating them. Is it alright to teach them to accept something that leaves so many questions in my own mind???

Ah. The religious debate wears me out. It comes up every now and then, with friends of a variety of perspectives. And I always end up thinking, ¨well, I guess I don´t know anything at all.. but I´m going to stick with it anyway." I hate having to doubt things. Especially these major issues. I´d rather be completely convinced of something & totally adept at explaining my reasons for following a particular religious system.

I guess I´ll go prepare the beef-stew instead. That´s nice and simple. It usually turns out pretty scrumptiously, even though I do things differently every single time I make it. I would invite you all over to eat with us, but we´re worlds apart.
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Check out our Sinterklaas photos: we decided to have a little celebration, complete with politically incorrect Zwarte Piet-cupcakes, et al. (The Zwarte Pieten are St.Nick´s helpers, or slaves, I suppose....) The Dutch have never revised this part of the tradition, however racist it undoubtedly is. Anyway, we made chocolate cupcakes... And Ari put out her shoe the night before, with carrots for Sinterklaas´horse. (in return for which she received a bunch of presents).

Daniel is rather concerned. He worries that December is too much for Ari: too many gifts, too much hype & excitement. He´d rather skip the gift-giving altogether, but I live vicariously and can´t help but get caught up in the holiday-craze. And it is just too much fun to have these parties, and give Ari these gifts, and get all materialistic. Shame on me. Probably has something to do with the monotony of my life.

Of Love and Criticism...and Knowing Better.

As I am writing this, my belly is wild with movement, and there have been hints of false contractions. Unfortunately, I know that it can go on for weeks. I could still be pregnant 2 weeks from now, or a bit longer.... and I am not sure I mind that, but I am getting so so curious for this second birth, and about this second baby.

Sorry, people: these posts have been most monotonous. I had other plans for the blog, but motherhood plays so great a part in my life that I can hardly think of anything else. Especially as I am about to have a second child. So, here are some more thoughts regarding motherhood.

It changes a person. Duh. But, really, it changes so many subtle things.
So, as I was walking through this silent town a few afternoons, disappointed to see that the bakery was closed and Ari and I could not indulge in a croissant, I noticed another mother as she was loading (word choice?) her children into the car. She strapped her toddler into a carseat, amid protest, and seemed a bit flustered (something I immediately emphathized with!), and then proceeded to turn to child #2. That´s where the other side of my Mama-character came out. She removed the baby´s "cuco" (cradle/bed-part) from the stroller and put it in the front seat of her car, with baby and all. Then fastened it awkwardly with the seatbelt.
It bothered me. I felt such an urge to walk up to her and ask her what in heck she thought she was doing, and how could she be so irresponsible. Of course, I didn´t. This is not a time for confrontations: really, I don´t need to be beat up on, nor do I relish the idea of bursting into tears after a conflict with a stranger... (or anyone else, for that matter). No, I am too tired to argue.

Nevertheless, the arguments do take place...ALL the time....in my head. I tell other mothers off for being irresponsible (as in the car-situation) with their children, or for doing other things that just don´t make sense to me, or that seem totally wrong. It´s terribly catty and critical of me, but I can hardly stop myself. And, correct me if I´m wrong, but I think it is a character-trait (criticism) that comes with the territory. Part of it is protectiveness: as we nurture our own children, we inevitably gain a sense of responsibility for all the other children we come into contact with. We think, "that poor child, how could his/her mother be so stupid!", or "that is NOT the way to do this or that, or the other..."
Or maybe I am just hyper-critical. Maybe the rest of you don´t get so worked-up over the way other mothers do their job.

There´s a brighter & sweeter side to it, too, though. I get annoyed with other mothers, for whatever reason, but more often than that, I sympathize with them. When I see another mother in the grocery-store with a screaming toddler, I am not so quick to roll my eyes. I´ve been there, and I´m going to be in that situation so many more times. Because children get tired, and they throw fits, and it´s not always our fault. And that´s just my response to their children: I have more sympathy still for mothers who lose their tempers... It happens, and I never knew before that it is so easy for mothers to lose it. To feel totally overwhelmed and exhausted and insane. So, snapping at one´s child has become something I understand, even while I always regret doing it myself. Of course, this has its limits & boundaries, too, that I hope I´ll never cross, but when you´ve got a toddler of your own, it seems a lot more understandable (no matter how unforgivable!) that some parents just freak out and end up losing control altogether.

Anyway, I was just thinking about this... about how critical I am, in general, but particularly as a mother, and, on the opposite side, how much I´ve learned to sympathize with other mothers.

Full-Term

*I have a two-year old who enjoys playing in her room by herself. It surprises me all the time, but it is true: she wants that alone-time in her room every day. All I have to do is accompany her upstairs ("up da stairs") to her room ("woom"), put on her Christmas music or "Peter & the Wolf", and leave her to mess about. She can easily spend an hour in there. It makes me feel guilty sometimes......but then I remember that it (being alone) is a skill, and it is something that will benefit her in the future. The last thing she needs is to be glued to me all day. (especially now that she has a major life-change coming up...becoming a sister, and, thus, not having me to herself..) And, when she gets tired of it, she just opens the door and joins me wherever I am. The point of this is the following: Ari is being such a darling and letting me sit here at the computer, checking my Mothering-websites and writing an entry.
(it´s just strange, because Ari is a very social toddler...she loves to be around people. but I guess even extroverts need some space every day...)

Update on Ari´s post-pacifier sleep-routine: she is still struggling to fall asleep. However, she now makes it through the night without waking up and whining to get out of bed. So, it´s just a matter of smoothing over the falling-asleep process. Let´s hope she´ll improve that before Baby-Zus gets here. Because, really, it is annoying. We liked it when Ari used to point at her bed and lay down with a smile. We would like that back.... now.

I am 38 weeks pregnant & plump. It´s finally getting hard to tie my shoe-laces. I can still do it, but it´s not as easy as before. Getting out of bed is also more of a task, but I usually do so way too quickly and carelessly, giving myself a cramp or back-ache. I guess I just forget that I am pregnant..... or I forget that it means I need to slow down, anyway.

Nesting is such a powerful instinct. I mean that. It can turn a sloth into a bee, or ant, or some other diligent animal. You get my point. I´ve been vacuuming, moving stuff around, rearranging the medicine/bath-cabinet, washing&ironing, and thinking of the-next-thing.

The awkward phase of pregnancy has commenced. Awkward, because Baby-Zus can come whenever she wants. I am full-term. In fact, she could have already been here. I´m reminded of waiting for Ari, two years ago, in the same month..... walking around in Holland, just waiting, and wondering when she was going to come around. In the end, she made me wait a little extra. So, part of me knows that I shouldn´t expect an early arrival of this baby, either. But it´s inevitable: I can´t help but get antsy. I am so curious about this child, and so eager to see how she will change our lives.
I´ve packed the hospital-bag. In fact, when we went to Ryan&Jessica´s reception the other day, we put it in the back of the car....just in case. If I had actually participated in the dancing, Baby may have decided to become a Toledo-an (Toledana????). Alas, nothing happened. Not even a hint of anything. It was just me and my big belly, driving home & stopping for my first police-control (having to blow into the machine long enough for it to prove that I had not taken a drop of alcohol).

Having said that, the thought of labor makes me a little nervous. More than a little, in fact. Partly, because I know how much it hurts. It is scary when you don´t have a reference point, but in a way it is even more terrifying when you know what you´re headed toward. Nevertheless, I was blessed with a very quick first delivery, so the chances are that this one will be faster still... But it´s going to be rough. I will struggle. I will feel that desperation of "this isn´t going to work, she´s not going to come out!!" again. It will be hard to remember to breathe.
But there are the unknowns, too.... The unknowns of delivering in the Spanish system, under the guidance of whichever OBGYN or midwife happens to be on duty. I have met with different ones all throughout the pregnancy... never once returning to see the same face. And knowing that my only option for medical pain-relief is the epidural: something I plan to avoid. In Holland, I was blessed to have a very mild medication available to me: the newest thing on the market, which is now requested by many women in labor. Here, it will either be the epidural or nothing. And nothing can be a bit intimidating. I remember how the pain surprised me.... how it was more than I expected... I wasn´t much of a hero, once those mean contractions kicked in.
So, I am a little worried that I will feel tempted...tempted to ask for the epidural (with all that it entails), despite my reservations.

Now that I have that part- the pessimism- out of the way, I can say that I am a bit encouraged to know that a baby can indeed come out of there quite quickly :-) Also, I have asked Daniel for specific support this time: I´ve asked him to remind me to keep my thoughts on the goal- to direct me to think about the baby.. He did a good job last time: first, he told me I needed to keep breathing, and then he showed me how. He was very supportive: even as he ate an apple-turnover right in front of me whilst I was sighing through contractions.

I will keep you posted these days, as I have Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild and severe.... You can wait right along with me..... remind me not to get impatient. You can say, "Eef, it´s going to be a while.. hold your horses!"
Better yet, you can cast your vote: you can make your prediction of the delivery-date. Here are your facts: Keep in mind, my official due-date is Dec.14th. Ari´s birthday is the 17th (she was born 12 days after the due-date). So, what are your thoughts?? Daniel and I like the 12th of the 12th, but that happens to be the day we plan to throw Ari her birthday-party, so it´s not ideal :-) Please, not Christmas. Don´t throw that idea into the universe!

The winner will get............................ well, kudos. No naming-rights, or anything.

Job-Hunt

So, in the months ahead, I plan to rejoin the world of the living.......and look for a job.

This is intimidating for various reasons, the primary one being that it implies leaving part of the care of my children up to another (that other being Daniel, hehe :-) ).
That´s right! We´re considering a role-shift here. I haven´t worked since I got my MA degree in 2007, and I want to give it a try. This doesn´t mean that I am planning to be a career-woman altogether. No, my intention is to find a part-time job at first, so that I can still be at home with the girls several days a week. But, really, I think it will be great for Daniel to be a stay-at-home father, or, at least, to get a chance to take more of the care of the girls upon himself. And I could use some work-experience. Or a change of pace, anyhow. We´ll probably end up sharing the responsibilities: both of us will try to get a part-time job.

As for other factors that weigh heavily on my mind: I feel totally and utterly inept. I have mentioned this before, but let me emphasize it for you. I have these degrees, but doubt they will get me too far, too soon. If it were up to me, I would further my education...add some titles to the bunch. And establish some goodwill with the professors: find some ways to gain experience in the field. This is what I failed to do two years ago, when I was finishing my studies in Nijmegen. I went to class, got good grades, and that was that. I never tried to explore internship-options, or discuss the possibility of further academic research. So, here I am: a graduate without any experience in her field! This means that my job-options are pretty slim.
Sometimes I wish I were a little more confident in this aspect. You know, to apply for a job and promote myself without reservations! Instead, I am going to be like, "yeah, I don´t know why you´d hire me, either.....I have nothing to offer!"

Suffice it to say that this is all incredibly frightening. And overwhelming, in general, because, really, where does one start?? Those pages with job-vacancies make me feel so uneasy: there are so many boxes to check, so many search-terms that lead to different job-advertisements.

Ah, but I must get to it eventually. I suppose I´ll give birth first :-) Focus on what is just around the corner: the birth of my sweet second baby girl. She deserves my undivided attention first.